Absolution

Naa man d ay koy pride. 

I always thought that I can keep my cool no matter what, save some insults that will hurt my family, if its just directed to me I'd say I will just let it pass and be not bothered by it. I've had my share of bullies, name-calling,  critics, ugly labels, mental-illness, etc. and its safe to say that I came out of it whole, albeit a little scarred but still functional. 

But I was wrong. Not in all cases. 

I have thought about it - no matter how I reject the idea, my mind cant be stopped. Many nights, I have been bothered. I've replayed it in my mind. Is it my fault? 

And I got the same recurring answer - NO. It is not! I have not faulted anyone. I have done many errors in my past, and one thing Im sure is that when I know I did something wrong, I feel guilty. I dont find myself guilty now, I just find the situation uncomfortable.

A case of self-righteousness? Maybe. I will not rule it out just yet. But I have this gut-feel that its not.

Then why this heavy feeling? Because for once again I did not believe in myself. I've asked forgiveness for something I am not at fault. And what I did hurt me. 

So now, after going to church and really once again reflecting on what has transpired, I absolve myself and move on, learn the lessons from this and hope that I will meet people that will not try to impair me, but help build me as a better person.