The Green Transformers

Niadto kog Ayala gahapon to watch Transformers. Akong gitan-aw ang mga showing time sa electronic nila nga board. cinema one 7:30, cinema 2 7:05, Cinema 3: 7:45, Cinema 4 8:00. Na excite ko kay alas 7 naman d ay. So with confidence I said sa cashier "cinema 2, 1 down lng ms.".

Alas 7 naman so wala nako time to buy food nga dugay maluto, basta Ayala cinema ganahan ko mokaon ug steamed rice and siomai sa cinehan kay pwede ra. So I opted to buy french fries nga Giga-sized sa Potato factory (I think mao na name sa stall).

Ug nisulod nkos cinehan. Nag wonder ko, wala lagi taw? Naa ray mga at most 10 people sa ubos, nya mga at most 20 sa taas. Transformers must be a flop to Cebuanos. Usually basta Wednesday, daghan jud kaayo na taw magpunsisok for that first day screening, nag expect ko mga students, but mingaw man.

And then the cinema dimmed the lights, started its trailers. Mao ni di jud ko nahan ma late sa cinehan kay ganahan ko muwatch sa mga trailers :D

Ug sa dihang nagsugod na ang movie. WB man ang logo ni appear. Diba Paramount man na ang Transformers? Then DC comics. Waaahhhh, Green Lantern man di ay ni akong nasudlan! Grrr...

Green Lantern: 6/10. Boring ang pacing sa story oi. Though nindot ug effects but wala may noteworthy sa movie.

Critics2x nlang ko kay tan-gee-ehy man kaayo gud!

Korina Episode: Love

Valentines day is not due anytime soon, but the topic on Korina Sanchez's show is all about love. People of seemingly different stature, culture and even height fell in love. But this is not a review of the show, this is what I think about love.

I've seen love. I've felt love. I know love. It's just not about finding a partner, but the general feeling of being safe, being cared unconditionally by someone - obviously by our parents, family relatives, friends and that special The One (not Neo of the Matrix).

It comes automatic that our family loves us. Even with our ugliest characteristics they have come to learn to accept us for who we truly are - there is nothing to hide.

Along the course of our life's journey we meet other people and we make bonds with them. Friendships help us to widen our horizon and be in a social circle beyond of what our immediate family can provide.

But once in a while, we meet that special someone. I've met my special someone twice (maybe thrice???). The person that makes you want to live forever with. The person whose hands you want to forever hold. The person whose face you want to forever gaze upon. But forever is but a word - so far. 

Instead I end up counting persons instead of counting the years with a person. Worse, currently Im counting the years without any person at all! But the worst maybe is to count the years with someone whose with someone else.

Do I still believe in love? I still do.

The last statement of the show said: "there is a person that is just made right for you". How I wish I can google that someone or tag her in fb, or plainly give her the map in my direction so that the years of waiting will turn into years of counting.

Absolution

Naa man d ay koy pride. 

I always thought that I can keep my cool no matter what, save some insults that will hurt my family, if its just directed to me I'd say I will just let it pass and be not bothered by it. I've had my share of bullies, name-calling,  critics, ugly labels, mental-illness, etc. and its safe to say that I came out of it whole, albeit a little scarred but still functional. 

But I was wrong. Not in all cases. 

I have thought about it - no matter how I reject the idea, my mind cant be stopped. Many nights, I have been bothered. I've replayed it in my mind. Is it my fault? 

And I got the same recurring answer - NO. It is not! I have not faulted anyone. I have done many errors in my past, and one thing Im sure is that when I know I did something wrong, I feel guilty. I dont find myself guilty now, I just find the situation uncomfortable.

A case of self-righteousness? Maybe. I will not rule it out just yet. But I have this gut-feel that its not.

Then why this heavy feeling? Because for once again I did not believe in myself. I've asked forgiveness for something I am not at fault. And what I did hurt me. 

So now, after going to church and really once again reflecting on what has transpired, I absolve myself and move on, learn the lessons from this and hope that I will meet people that will not try to impair me, but help build me as a better person.

Indeed

As things go and go on
And life moves on
We carry forward memories

Written not in words
Not by letters of any sorts
But of wants, desires and soul

Things not money can bring
Family, friends and health
All I need indeed

Ultrasound

There's got to be a first time, and this is my first. Getting an ultrasound is synonymous with being pregnant, and obviously I am not! Im getting an ultrasound because of this stupid pain I feel below my left abdomen is not going away. It has been 5 days. 

I feel it pulsating, sometimes I dont feel it at all when Im distracted doing something. But there are times when it really gets my attention because of a sudden sharp like pointy object is poking inside me. 

Im currently waiting for my turn to have my insides scanned. In this room, there is I think a pregnant woman, an old man in a wheelchair. It has been I think more than 30 mins had pass since entering this room. To add, the attendant told me not to urinate from now on until I have my ultrasound. This room is cold, and Im praying my bladder will cooperate.

-- after my ultrasound --

Thank you Lord! I am relieved now. The pain is still here but Im thankful that its not kidney related, that scares me to hell!

A Different Kind of Ache

At this very moment Im in pain. And it reeks through the very fiber of my being. It instantly reminds me of my mortality and how each and every moment spent should not be wasted. That every moment counts and that each second is a gift. 

This is NOT the 1st time. I am sick, was sick, will be sick. But I don't want to be pitied upon. I dont want that! I want to be treated as people see me fit treated. There is nothing more honest and more satisfying for people to show their true feelings about you good or bad. 

When times like this comes, there is only one thing that crosses my mind. Have I served my purpose? I know, quite a heavy question to ask. Since I cant answer my own question directly, I broke it down to subquestions. What were the things you do that you think were the right things, and what things were not? 

Am I happy? Am I contented?

Sadly at this point of my life, the answers are mediocre if not a total fail. 

This saddens me more, and aches my soul. How can you treat a soul? It's not like you go to a specialist and they will give you medicine to heal it. Yes, I know people will tell, there is a God who loves you and will take care of you. No offense to those people, but I think God does not operate that way, just my opinion. 

Doing the right thing, and touching people's lives I find that more satisfying than listening to sermons only to go home and do the same habits! Dirty kind if habits! That kind of faith is pointless, for doing nothing when you could have done something is a grave offense. 

How I envy those who have food to eat but dont eat because they get fat. "Eating is not the problem. Your attitude towards it is the problem". I always murmur in my mind. How I dont get people who waste their lives through vices when there are so many alternatives for their time. How come there are people who chooses to end their own lives when someone is fighting for one more breath?

Yes life affects us in different ways but to blame it all to the environment, hormones, or other people your misfortunes is but cowardice on your part. You have a choice, and you have choosen which path to trail.

And I have chosen my way. That is to continue living as much and as longer and as meaningful as I could. I think I still have a long time to carry out this plan. 

But first is for me to just smell and taste the beach. It just takes all my worries even just for a moment. 

My Girlfriend's Best...

Im certain that my girl loves me
For feelings speaks louder
Than any words spoken on a megaphone
Hearts hear clearer, than the ears can ever decipher

But Im also certain that she loves another person
Not me, not even a member of her family
A friend I knew, and I knew well too
Her bestfriend, the sister she wished but never had

Destiny works in wonderful ways
May have hurt us in the process
But always surprises, never fails
Had I dreamt of this?
Not in a thousand years.

Because when I hug my girl
There she is, the once was
Knowing she'll be happy
For me and for her bestfriend


(fiction only)

The Tempest

Sometimes, I get highly psychotic - when things doesnt go my way, I'm depressed, angry (not my bird) and any other type of wry emotion. But no, Im not the serial-killer type, Im the wallowing pit of self pity and vengeance type. 

There are times that it gets the best of me. After years and years of practicing how to control emotion, it just spills out. Like a violent eruption from a sleeping volcano (the correct word is dormant), I just vent my anger or whatever grim feelings I have be known.

I often thought (more like others tell me) that I take life too seriously. I need to take a breathier, but I only know one thing that lets me instantly forget - the beach. 

Yes, wet and salty, especially when the sun is high and the sky is blue and the tide's not so high -perfect, my little piece of heaven on earth, save for ice cream and one censored thing :p. 

Afterall even supertyphoons and great earthquakes tone down given time, but the destruction on its wake takes more time repairing, and that same thing happens to people, when you let the tempest of emotion gets the better of you - I always have to relearn this lesson over and over again.

Im learning to be a better person, and I think to become one is to surround yourself with people who shares that same vision. The trick is how to know one. Any clues?

2 Ways

On my left is a wedding, while on my right is a funeral -of my motherside, I seldomly see, uncle.


While Im certain that the latter will certainly come and hopefully not anytime soon, the other one is something that may happen or not at all. But I wish it does, I want to see me in a wedding and I'm the groom.  




Family reunions - happens right after someone is laid to their rest. Isn't that rude to that someone who just died? When its my turn (again, knock on wood), please dont show your merry faces, eating delicious foods, laughing. Im dead, and it is not a holiday! 




Back to family reunions, Im not so fond of it. Especially when it is on my mother side of the family. Its just that Im not so close to them. They are these high-class type of people, with cars, with medical professions, airy kind of people - save some that I truly admire and respect. 




That awkward feeling of being introduced to your newly met cousins, sons and daughters of whoever ... I dont care who. But you pretend to care, shake their hands and give a smile. Me too feels awkward same as you do, thank you. I said deep in my thoughts. 




With no car, my family is forced to wait for other relatives to dump us to our place. And it's hassle to take a cab because their house are like at the top of the mountain premium subdivisions. One time, I just did that, feigning I have work to do, and it took me 30mins to go down the nearest exit, habal2x from the gate to the main road and a 2 time jeepney ride to comfort zone called home - hassle.  




So here I am staying and waiting for this dinner to be over. Obviously, I decided to just sit quietly at the farthest table, obsessively typing on this ipod to look busy, hoping that they would not notice me existing.  




Coz if they do, they will ask if I am already married, if I already have a child or if my nephew who I always carry is my own. Why Im so thin, where I work and what I do. Or the alternative of listening to their properties, recent trips abroad - which I prefer because I just nod and say yes and pair it with wide-eye amazement. It works, all the time. 




But I have this most dreaded thing that tops my list. When they talk about their sex lives! They just assume I get temporary deafness and tell their tales, and to add my mother chips in her tales too! Wahhhhhh! I wanna die and join the recently departed who is the very reason why this is all happening!




Im not against family reunions. But Im against forced ones! 




Thanks to my tita who always shows her affection towards us and tells us not to be shy, and does not in any way (in my memory) offended me or us for that matter. Also to one of my cousins who, even though we are not that close, but I can genuinely feel that she is happy to see me in one of these occasions.




Once upon a time, I wanted to be like them, now I just want to be human.

Igat Moves (epekto sa kagutom tungod sa vitamins)

Mao na ni ron, delete moves dayun kay naa nyay lain makakita...whahahaha :) oooppsss

An Early Facebook Chat

Haaayyy, ang life kay naa ras Wall sa FB, saunz...

2011 Anihaff

It is June and we are half-way across the year. Let's take a look at what I've done so far this 2011.

Sinulog 2011 - I had a renewed interest in participating with the events during the festival. I joined the walk for Mary procession, watched the Sinulog sa Kabataan, attended the Sinulog Mass with my family (aunties) and watched the Sinulog Mardigra with friends. I finished Sinulog 2011 with a henna tattoo,a sumptuous dinner at one of the restaurants located at the Ayala Terraces and watched the fireworks display, and a very very tired feet! :D Viva!

Feb 2011. CDO, is my very first city in Mindanao. Attended the wedding of my friend Louwil Denopol and Shy. Then experienced the White Water Rafting (Advanced Level). Pasalubong: 2 weeks worth of sunburn!

Feb 2011. Returned to Manila for some EK and Manila Ocean Park fun with my SpEdmates and my sister. Me and my sister also toured Luneta, Intramuros, and the National Library. I showed her how to ride the MRT, visited some Malls. I think she doesnt like to live in Manila seeing all the chaos compared to the still manageable life in Cebu.

My second time in EK. It was fun! I got to ride again the roller coaster and it still feels the same, the thrill! We had so much fun we stayed until it closed and watched the fireworks display.

Sugar Beach, Bantayan Island. I've been here 4 times in 4 months! Yes that's right. February with Amabelle and Mae-an along with Steel and MJ. March with Opinionology peeps. April with NCR officemates and lastly but certainly not the least, May with Highschool friends. I never get tired of the white sands and swimming (even though I really dont know how to swim).

The rest of the summer were spent at the BEACH!
Moalboal beach and island hopping with Opinionology friends. Hadsan Beach resort with family for Auntie Georgette's birthday celebration.  Cebu White Sands lunch buffet and swimming with Ex-Epson friends. Lilo-an beach outing with family for Mama's birthday. Fiesta with relatives. Finally, Costabella with NCR officemates and friends for our summer company outing!

To sum it up, that's 9 beaches bitch!

Aside from that, I got to join the 2nd Cebu City Marathon, 5k (January) and singing my heart out at RedBox Ayala Terraces (Mye2x's birthday). Liempo night (and sometimes alcohol|) with NCR friends.

Wahhh! This is a long list to make and that is just the first half of the year!

Is anxiously waiting for the other activities in-store for the rest of the year.

People

People

There are a lot you will meet
But few will remain
Friends, foes, or in between
You'll love, loathe or be mean

Thanks for the memories
I will forever keep
In my heart, in my soul
In a place that is safe from the unseen

This is not goodbye yet
That's far, far away I bet
Im saying thank you, to you
Its nice to know
I'm not an island in an ocean

Sa Kadtong Elementary Pa Ko

Mag-guna. Mag da-ub. Manglimpyo sa classroom. Mao na akong "trabaho" sa una. Kadtong grade 1 ug grade 2 pa ko. Ang resulta? Di kibaw mubasa ug musuwat. Ambot nganong nakapasar ko sa mga exam nga naa man kos gawas sa classroom.

Tig-dala ko sa yawi sa among room kay duol ra among balay sa eskwelahan. Mo-abot ko didto mga alas 6 sa buntag nya mangabli sa room. Nya sugod na dayun sa pagpanilhig. Ig abot sa akong mga klasmeyts kay manglingkod dayun na silas ilang desk. Nya ako ug ang akong usa ka kauban kay adto sa gawas manilhig sa dahong laya, mananom ug mayana ug golden doranta, ma-mubo sa tanom.

Di ko kibaw mobasa ug musuwat sa grade 1 ug grade 2 ko. Kibaw ra ko mu-ihap kay tigbaligya man ko taga recess sa among room. Ako man tigkuha sa basket gikan sa canteen nya ibaligya sa among room. Sige ko ka kuha ug "Very Helpful" sa akong card taga grading period. Nya "talkative" and bad points sa likod sa card.

Taga section K d ay ko sa una, nya ang uwahi nga section kay N. Dili tantong layo. Pero sa akong nahihumduman kay wala man ko nagbasol. Lingaw ra man ang katong akong nasinati. Ang sa ako lang sa una kay malingaw ko dagan-dagan ug ligid-ligid sa bundo sa eskwelahan ig human namong da-ub ug guna.

Maynalang gani kay pag grade 3 gihinay hinayan kog tudlo sa akong mga ig-agaw pagsuwat ug pagbasa. Unsa man sad ning mga ginikanan nato nga sigeg trabaho walay panahon para mo tutok sa edukasyon sa ilang anak. Basta nakahibaw ko mubasa ug musuwat, pinakatay pa jud!

Nya nag grade 4 ko. Naa toy reading comprehension exam pag 2nd grading. Gipabasa ko unya naay mga pangutana bahin sa gibasa ig human. Sa kalooy sa Ginoo nakatubag man sad. Ug didto naa na dayun koy partner nga akong tudlu-an ug basa. Maayo naman kuno ko mubasa. Ug sa grade 4 ko kay nahimo ko nga top sa among classroom. Top 1 sa section M. Last section kay section N. Proud kaayo akong mama ug papa ato kay naa akong ngan sa katolina Top 1 sa section M. Brayt kuno ko, brayt sa mga bugo. Bahala na basta brayt!


Pag Grade 6 na ko kay maayo kaayo akong titser sa science. Kay kahinumdum jud ko nga ganahan kaayo ko sa subject ato. Naa pa mi ato mag lumba-anay ug answer, pirmi jud ko ka daug ani. Nya maayo na kaayo ko mananum kay nindot na ang garden sa among classroom. Pero wa mo kay nka 93 ni sa NEAT doh! Section G pero brayt. whaahhaha  :D

Kung Naay Ganahan Manlibre

If naay ganahan manlibre ari lng ko ilibre please kay affordable ra nya naay bottomless iced tea :D
Sa Kublai Khan :D whahahah

Salamat Sa Libre Master Harvey :D

Late na ni nga post :D Salamat Master Harvey sa libre sa Chopsticks :D sa uulitin :D hehehehe

 <-- bagay 

 <--hayop

 <-- alien

 <-- food

 <--yumyum food

 <-- pacute

  <- pa cute pud :p

 <-- dili cute

 <-- no comment

Independence Day 2011

My only memorable experience of independence day is when i was in 4th year high school. As C.A.T officers-in-training we are tasked to carry the 100 flags of the centennial celebration of independence day 1998.

We were in full type A uniform. Cap, scarf (that itch like hell), yellow colored official tshirt, jacket, silver buckle, fatigue pants and metal-toed combat boots. Tucked in and stiff that makes viagra dependent dudes envy.

Walking at high noon for some 5k is horrendous, much more agonozing carrying those flags with it! I remember constantly being asked by my company if "kaya pa?" - I was and still is not that conan the barbarian type physique.

Gladly I survived, barely. After arriving at the school grounds and after the flags were placed, I went home and called sick for 3 days.

Today, another independence day celebration is underway and the only thing that it brings is hassle. Major thoroughfares are closed to traffic-all day! The parade already ended but the streets remain closed. Grrrr.

Celebrating independence day which is not a holiday off from work is of no significant value. Honestly. I salute those courageous people-heroes- who sacrificed their very lives just for our freedom. And now we are a free people.

But we are not really free.

Yes, we are free from foreign powers, but are we really free? Look around us, we are enslaved much worse than when we were under the sovereignty of other races. We are enslaved by corruption, ignorance, political cronyism  We are slaves of our evil selves.

Im still happy with my freedom, but it can be more than this.

Unfinished Business (4). The End.

Dogs, Im scared of them. Back then I was just over 5 feet tall and one time a dog barked and lurched towards me. I thought that was the end of me. From then on, I have this aversion towards those canines, however cute they are as their owners often pride.

Her house is not so accessible from the road. It takes time to walk through a market, an unfinished flyover and a chapel. Then to my horror, dogs! Five of them! My instinct tells me to run. Run for dear life. But I was holding these books and she doesn't even bother. She shouldn't because its her dogs. Damn.

I was hoping I was hit by a truck or a train, which is impossible since there are no trains here. I was imagining telling my mother how badly it hurts - I didn't. I was imagining I was in the hospital to be treated like a dying person, to be cared. I was not.

Restless, sweaty and uneasy does not reflect too well on your face. I was there sitting on her house but can't even smile because of these dogs! Everytime they pass me by, my heart skipped a beat. Literally. She's polite enough not to laugh at my phobia, and offered a drink and bread. I hardly ate.

Then my horror. My achilles heel. I have something to tell. I began searching for modest words for feelings. A knock, and what began as promising was dashed straight to the bin. This tall, muscular schoolmate of ours was there. And he gently held her, and they hugged, and they hugged more. My heart skipped a beat. Maybe, figuratively. I just learned to have feelings and at the same time learned of anti-feelings.

...and suddenly there was I, in the middle of the road. Stunned. Can't move my feet to the direction of the sidewalk to not get hit. Then I blacked down.

Unfinished Business (3)

I can hear clearly now. And my memories are slowly coming back too. I can make sense of where I am and this throbbing pain surging through my veins. It's a burning sensation that goes from my arms to my chest, to every inch of my being. She was there seated across my bed. That's my mother, not the "she" I was referring to about.

"So can we go out to lunch?" I said. It's like time frooze and I can sense every breath I take. All my other senses yielded to boost my hearing, waiting for the answer. It was one of the longest split second of my then very young life. "No, I'm going home..." The world came crashing. Hoping no one heard I ask her to have lunch with me.

The doctor said that I'm going to be fine in a few days of rest. No major organ was affected or damaged or whatever. I was lucky. But there is a pain no medical instrument can reveal. A pain in the heart. I wish there is an anti-emotion pill I can dose myself, to forget that I have feelings and that they are real.

But can you go home with me since we dont have classes in the afternoon? She said it. I didn't know how to react, my knees felt weak. Yes. I said, with a smile. Make that a big smile it might have been scary. As we were walking waiting for a jeep I carried her books, typical gestures of a boy with feelings.

What were you thinking? My mother blurted in composed anger. I'm sorry. Is all I can say. The pain is becoming real by each passing second. Not the pain from the needles on my wrist. But the aching beating of my heart. It devastated me. Scarred me for life. Bitch.

Unfinished Business (2)

It is incredible that you can't feel pain when you expected too much pain. I think it is the body's defense mechanism to avoid shock, or just self preservation. Or it is shock in progress thats the reason for the feeling or the lack thereof. And that's how it felt. I remember looking up, straight into the upcoming bright light. It was already dark and I was just walking in a trance when, it was too late. It went all black.

Breakfast that day was good. I had eggs, and a few pieces of bread. That's the usual food during this time of the day. A hot choco is spreading its aroma and is making me hungry even more. After eating and brushing my teeth, changed to my school uniform and Im off to school.

First period was Math. I'm not a fanatic of Math, but doesn't hate it. But today is not about Math. Today my attention is only for that particular person. There "she" was, seated 2 chairs behind me. Today is the day, I said to myself, breathing deep breaths. Today is the day.

Finally, a hand touched my forehead. Is he Ok? Is he going to be allright? I heard. Didn't really recognized who that voice was. Is it my mother? My senses has still not returned and I'm left in a state of what I can best describe as vegetative.

The bell rang and it was lunch time. I stood up from where I was seated and started approaching her. I put a smile on my face, but I felt it was too awkward and funny I shut my mouth and looked down. I passed by her. Today is the day, I promised that to myself. Well it was just noontime, I still have around 6 hrs more. I comforted myself.

Time is tricky. Sometimes you are bored to death and it seems there is a lot in your hands and you waste it. Yet, quickly you pray that you be given an "extension" because you have still many unfinished business- your disagreement with your parents, your fight to a friend, your unspoken affection, the forgiveness you seek.

I passed by her. And I turned back having mustered some courage. "Can we go to lunch?" - sounding like I rehearsed this line my entire life.

Unfinished Business

...and suddenly there was I, in the middle of the road. Stunned. Can't move my feet to the direction of the sidewalk to not get hit. Then I blacked down.

It was a headlight hanging above me, Im quite sure, swaying back and forth. I can sense  it, cant see it nor hear the creeking sound of the swaying, I was lying on my back facing that light. My instinct tells me not to move, stay still. My eyes are still closed but the light overhead seeps through my closed eyelids, sending signals to my brain that I was in some place.

Earlier before the sun was up, I was excited. This is the day I will tell her. Tell her about the feelings I so kept hidden for months, maybe a year? I forgot counting the days because it is immaterial compared to the significance of this day. This is the day, so to speak.

So I went to my routine. Cleaned up, dressed up. An extra feel of happiness surrounds me. A halo of inspiration is invisibly hung above my head. I've taken my breakfast, drank my milk and off to school.

It was a good day, school went fast and I didn't even noticed the time. All that mattered is I will tell her, today, not tomorrow but today. So who is this "her" I am referring about? You'll know.

My body aches as I tried to move to my side. I call "mama" in a voice I could hardly mutter. No one answered. It was too silent. Or was I just deaf? I tried to forcefully open my eyes, and all I can see is a blur. Is this heaven? It couldn't be. Heaven they say is full of happiness, laughter and angels. I don't hear nor see angels. Definitely I am not in a happy state, I am in a state of pain though I feel so numb to know if I was in pain.

--to be continued--

the love that never was

i can be honest, but cant be true
can be tearfully joyful, yet blue

seek in me the truth, cause all youll see is you
but dont be fooled because that love was never you

yes it was a love that never was
maybe not as tender as our hearts
cause for all these years were through
i did never forget the feeling so true

and in time we'll find our destinies
forgive me and the time I've wasted

fate and faithfully praying
well see each whom we've fated

originally posted on: Thursday, May 28, 2009

Birthdays Past

My birthday is but four months away, I'm just reposting my previous birthday posts.

My Shittiest Birthday

Oct 19, '08 1:30 PM for everyone

It's family, and the adage or saying "You can choose your friends but never your family" - seems hauntingly familiar. It's always been and I've never learned, I've never grown callous. If this is the way to show affection, damn my family should win first prize for their portrayal.

By saying "family" - I'm not limiting to my parents, my siblings - but also my aunts - everyone that surrounds me.

Im not looking for praise, not even attention. Im just looking for appreciation. A simple "thank you" should do.

And what do I get? I always fell short of everyone's expectations, Im not giving much. Im selfish. Im weird, Im this, should be this. We've done this, you should do this. Everyone is testing my patience, everyone is hurting, Im hurting... you happy?

To tell you the truth I am not living in luxury, Im living within my limit. I dont suffer so much money trouble because I know my expenses, I budget, Im earning, Im spending on things that I need.

I get sick and nobody cares for me but myself, I dont even know why your comments matter, maybe there is some truth behind those words, but can you give me some leeway, it's my damn birthday!

A simple thank you should do. 

27	Oct 19, '09 11:14 AM for everyone

Today Im turning 27 (Oct. 20), 10 years since highschool, 6 years since college, 5 years working.

The younger version of me would have never guessed what Im doing with my life or how I turned out to be. When I was in my teens and early twenties I always thought that I will be having a family of my own when I reach 25 (which many of my friends knew). But here I am 2 years after the 'deadline' still single, not committed and in the wild so to speak.

Im always finding ways to improve myself (maybe not physically...), I try not to be bounded in my comfort zone, I try to always think out of the box, do adventures and experience life, seeing new places and meeting new friends.And yet I always find myself thinking, am I a good son? The answer is maybe, it is a hard question to answer and can only be answered when Im dead, maybe in my eulogy.

As I have written a year ago, my saddest birthday, now that I'm 27 - no more celebration (the food, party stuff). Starting with this birthday I will go to church and thank the lord for giving me another year to grow, maybe treat myself a good lunch or dinner, reply to those who will greet me and that's it, I will call it a day. I have other things in mind - but it is exclusively void of any celebration with many people.

And yes, I am not that scared compared to way back then when I was 25 and I asked myself what will I be, right now Im pretty confident that I can be something of some use soon. I will not rush life, but take it a step at a time. As I am getting older (more mature?) I realize that life is a one pass cannot-be-rewound event, so I have to carefully live as what I'd like to live to minimize regrets.

I would like to grab this opportunity to thank those who remembered. :D

The Birthday Blog 10202010

Oct 21, '10 1:35 AM for everyone

Before I start this year, you maybe interested to read last year's birthday blog here: http://dwightto.blogspot.com/2009/10/27.html

So first things first, I've scrapped the how old (or young) I am from the title. Maybe its not about adding one to your years but adding a multitude of experiences to yourself which is important.

The next thing I realized is that this is the 3rd year that Im celebrating it with new officemates, 2 yrs ago it was with Ideyatech, last year with Playtech and now with NCR. Which is to say that I've been in 3 companies for the past 3 years! It's not like I'm job hopping, circumstances beyond my control is mainly the reason for such jumps. But I'm not complaining universe! I'm just stating a fact.

Aside from new work, studies are not progressing yet. Ive delayed to fulfill my masters in education because of financial matters. I may continue it next year if I have the chance, the time and the money.

Family is ok, though we are not anymore complete because my sister has left for Australia to get married and live there for good. But we welcomed a new member of our family, a new baby girl from my youngest sister. Aren't babies the cutest beings of all (and also smells good).

Even though I was laid off from work this year (my first ever) it's still a good year. I paid my insurance, bills, and most important of all gone to Bora! Yes the most popular island in the Philippines-checked!

Ahh,this fact just springs to mind, most of my batcmates in highschool and in college are either in a committed (and hopefully loving) relationship or married (or those states past marriage), or have babies. Im just totally happy for them for their courage to take on new roles and responsibility, kudos to them!

Celebration? I didn't treat my officemates because I am still shy and doesnt have that rapport to all of them save a few. At home, I asked my aunt to cook buttered chicken and sweet and sour pork for dinner. I also bought ice cream.

I also attended Epson's web team farewell party at Zao and met my previous bridge engineer to say my thanks in the years that I was working in Epson.

Well I guess that's it for now. Maybe next year the universe will cook up something good for me.

Enjoying my day, ahhh it's already night.

Accidental Poet

I don't know how to rhyme
Throw me a dime
Words doesn't jumble
I just mumble

Want to write that can't be said
Saying to myself just get laid
Enough of imagining and start realizing
The beauty of the world, stop stargazing

Working hard, working late
Is this why you graduate?
Be your own boss,
carry your own cross

Looking at your friends now
They got married somehow
Look at yourself lonely
You ain't got nobody

Family's amazing, always entertaining
Kids running, grandmother is fuming
Shouting to keep the kids at bay
When nothing keeps them to stay

Staring at the computer screen
Writing the words that you've seen
Liking the effects of each line
As they make a beautiful rhyme

The Sign

Perfect in every way
Perfect in every sway
No, nothing is comparable
There's just nothing worth mentionable

You, girl that my eyes are set
Look at me this boy that's beset
You shine and live life as red
Im blue as the ocean have no clue

We are opposites, a north and a south
A head and a tail of the same penny
Maybe looking at the same sky
But standing on the opposite side

So that's the truth
I lay it out

Don't you hear this cry
Silent but you can see it in my eyes
Not showing as tears or frown
But a smile on my face year round

To Share

In my existence, I've been generally (with a few spots of gray) good. But there are people that sway you to the darker side. And sometimes you get swayed. And you get swayed happily.

But it is not true that being on the wrong side of things you are freer. No, I dont believe that rubbish. For being free there is a huge responsibility. It is not always about yourself! The earth does not revolve to satisfy your every need. Sometimes you yourself needs to satisfy those of others.

Yourself is not anymore yours. You share it, but how can you share it when you don't care for it? Would you consume an expired good? Not unless you want to have an upset stomach. In service to others, yourself should be top class, potable, beneficial and not the other way around.

Touching other people's lives - positively, what a long way for me to be.

Anticipating

It's been a long time coming
And yet when time comes
It comes unexpectedly
Im afraid of what's going to happen next.

Many say Im going to fall for you
People who know me says so
And they saw me fell in love from ago
Will they be prophets to predict us too?

In a few months, make it two
It's me who will breathe the same air
Tangibly feel you from the inside
Will it be paradise-like when Im finally within you?

Will the two us dance like a pair
Or lose affection, that mysterious attraction
Will it be the start of forever
Or the beginning of an ending?

Will I come back for more?
Or leave and never come back
Will I leave my heart?
Or leave a memory that sucks

Questions I ask now
Time will answer soon
Let me take that plane
Is Singapore on my lane?

Bible Story

My bible stories are rusty because I have to admit that I have not been re-reading the Bible like I'm infinitum playing the music in my ipod. That fact aside, I remember a story where Abraham was tested by God to sacrifice his only son Isaac to HIM. Abraham obeyed God even though it is a tough act, but then God stopped Abraham and told him that he has seen his obedience to him and that was enough evidence of his love to God.

Reflecting on this particular story, maybe is the source of the saying "Obey first before you complain". Obeying is sometimes a tough choice when you know that obeying will hurt you. Or simply it is hard to obey when you can't see the benefit of it on you. But as shown by Abraham, he obeyed God and take note that it is his son to be sacrificed! It is safe to assume that if I was in the position of Abraham I would have chosen a different path, thank God I was not him.

Why am I talking about obedience right now? Because recently I've been a blabbering stick of disobedience. From accessing the internet on company time, to not taking myself to the doctor for checkup, to not listening to my parents, to not listening to my friends, to not listening to myself. I've been disobedient and I'm not proud of that.

I hope there is redemption for me, because I'm trying, very hard to follow rules and not break them or if I need to break them have the paperworks to prove them.

And maybe this is just the virus talking.

Ours Was A Good Story

I never tried to understand
Our situation just slide to disband
Cursing and yelling we did not do
Just an indifference of me towards you

Now that we have been apart
Not missing you is not a good start to tell you now
Cause that will only add the hurt I inflicted on you somehow

I do believe that someday, true friendship will bloom our way
A friendship that is not based on tragic love
Of lust, experiment and young years love

Until that day will come
We have to wait and experience other persons
In our lives and sometimes out
Because we should not lose hope in the promise of love

Year after year we get nearer to the finale
Anticipation builds and we prepare our sorries
Cause at the end, believing ours was a good story