Independence Day 2011

My only memorable experience of independence day is when i was in 4th year high school. As C.A.T officers-in-training we are tasked to carry the 100 flags of the centennial celebration of independence day 1998.

We were in full type A uniform. Cap, scarf (that itch like hell), yellow colored official tshirt, jacket, silver buckle, fatigue pants and metal-toed combat boots. Tucked in and stiff that makes viagra dependent dudes envy.

Walking at high noon for some 5k is horrendous, much more agonozing carrying those flags with it! I remember constantly being asked by my company if "kaya pa?" - I was and still is not that conan the barbarian type physique.

Gladly I survived, barely. After arriving at the school grounds and after the flags were placed, I went home and called sick for 3 days.

Today, another independence day celebration is underway and the only thing that it brings is hassle. Major thoroughfares are closed to traffic-all day! The parade already ended but the streets remain closed. Grrrr.

Celebrating independence day which is not a holiday off from work is of no significant value. Honestly. I salute those courageous people-heroes- who sacrificed their very lives just for our freedom. And now we are a free people.

But we are not really free.

Yes, we are free from foreign powers, but are we really free? Look around us, we are enslaved much worse than when we were under the sovereignty of other races. We are enslaved by corruption, ignorance, political cronyism  We are slaves of our evil selves.

Im still happy with my freedom, but it can be more than this.

Unfinished Business (4). The End.

Dogs, Im scared of them. Back then I was just over 5 feet tall and one time a dog barked and lurched towards me. I thought that was the end of me. From then on, I have this aversion towards those canines, however cute they are as their owners often pride.

Her house is not so accessible from the road. It takes time to walk through a market, an unfinished flyover and a chapel. Then to my horror, dogs! Five of them! My instinct tells me to run. Run for dear life. But I was holding these books and she doesn't even bother. She shouldn't because its her dogs. Damn.

I was hoping I was hit by a truck or a train, which is impossible since there are no trains here. I was imagining telling my mother how badly it hurts - I didn't. I was imagining I was in the hospital to be treated like a dying person, to be cared. I was not.

Restless, sweaty and uneasy does not reflect too well on your face. I was there sitting on her house but can't even smile because of these dogs! Everytime they pass me by, my heart skipped a beat. Literally. She's polite enough not to laugh at my phobia, and offered a drink and bread. I hardly ate.

Then my horror. My achilles heel. I have something to tell. I began searching for modest words for feelings. A knock, and what began as promising was dashed straight to the bin. This tall, muscular schoolmate of ours was there. And he gently held her, and they hugged, and they hugged more. My heart skipped a beat. Maybe, figuratively. I just learned to have feelings and at the same time learned of anti-feelings.

...and suddenly there was I, in the middle of the road. Stunned. Can't move my feet to the direction of the sidewalk to not get hit. Then I blacked down.

Unfinished Business (3)

I can hear clearly now. And my memories are slowly coming back too. I can make sense of where I am and this throbbing pain surging through my veins. It's a burning sensation that goes from my arms to my chest, to every inch of my being. She was there seated across my bed. That's my mother, not the "she" I was referring to about.

"So can we go out to lunch?" I said. It's like time frooze and I can sense every breath I take. All my other senses yielded to boost my hearing, waiting for the answer. It was one of the longest split second of my then very young life. "No, I'm going home..." The world came crashing. Hoping no one heard I ask her to have lunch with me.

The doctor said that I'm going to be fine in a few days of rest. No major organ was affected or damaged or whatever. I was lucky. But there is a pain no medical instrument can reveal. A pain in the heart. I wish there is an anti-emotion pill I can dose myself, to forget that I have feelings and that they are real.

But can you go home with me since we dont have classes in the afternoon? She said it. I didn't know how to react, my knees felt weak. Yes. I said, with a smile. Make that a big smile it might have been scary. As we were walking waiting for a jeep I carried her books, typical gestures of a boy with feelings.

What were you thinking? My mother blurted in composed anger. I'm sorry. Is all I can say. The pain is becoming real by each passing second. Not the pain from the needles on my wrist. But the aching beating of my heart. It devastated me. Scarred me for life. Bitch.

Unfinished Business (2)

It is incredible that you can't feel pain when you expected too much pain. I think it is the body's defense mechanism to avoid shock, or just self preservation. Or it is shock in progress thats the reason for the feeling or the lack thereof. And that's how it felt. I remember looking up, straight into the upcoming bright light. It was already dark and I was just walking in a trance when, it was too late. It went all black.

Breakfast that day was good. I had eggs, and a few pieces of bread. That's the usual food during this time of the day. A hot choco is spreading its aroma and is making me hungry even more. After eating and brushing my teeth, changed to my school uniform and Im off to school.

First period was Math. I'm not a fanatic of Math, but doesn't hate it. But today is not about Math. Today my attention is only for that particular person. There "she" was, seated 2 chairs behind me. Today is the day, I said to myself, breathing deep breaths. Today is the day.

Finally, a hand touched my forehead. Is he Ok? Is he going to be allright? I heard. Didn't really recognized who that voice was. Is it my mother? My senses has still not returned and I'm left in a state of what I can best describe as vegetative.

The bell rang and it was lunch time. I stood up from where I was seated and started approaching her. I put a smile on my face, but I felt it was too awkward and funny I shut my mouth and looked down. I passed by her. Today is the day, I promised that to myself. Well it was just noontime, I still have around 6 hrs more. I comforted myself.

Time is tricky. Sometimes you are bored to death and it seems there is a lot in your hands and you waste it. Yet, quickly you pray that you be given an "extension" because you have still many unfinished business- your disagreement with your parents, your fight to a friend, your unspoken affection, the forgiveness you seek.

I passed by her. And I turned back having mustered some courage. "Can we go to lunch?" - sounding like I rehearsed this line my entire life.

Unfinished Business

...and suddenly there was I, in the middle of the road. Stunned. Can't move my feet to the direction of the sidewalk to not get hit. Then I blacked down.

It was a headlight hanging above me, Im quite sure, swaying back and forth. I can sense  it, cant see it nor hear the creeking sound of the swaying, I was lying on my back facing that light. My instinct tells me not to move, stay still. My eyes are still closed but the light overhead seeps through my closed eyelids, sending signals to my brain that I was in some place.

Earlier before the sun was up, I was excited. This is the day I will tell her. Tell her about the feelings I so kept hidden for months, maybe a year? I forgot counting the days because it is immaterial compared to the significance of this day. This is the day, so to speak.

So I went to my routine. Cleaned up, dressed up. An extra feel of happiness surrounds me. A halo of inspiration is invisibly hung above my head. I've taken my breakfast, drank my milk and off to school.

It was a good day, school went fast and I didn't even noticed the time. All that mattered is I will tell her, today, not tomorrow but today. So who is this "her" I am referring about? You'll know.

My body aches as I tried to move to my side. I call "mama" in a voice I could hardly mutter. No one answered. It was too silent. Or was I just deaf? I tried to forcefully open my eyes, and all I can see is a blur. Is this heaven? It couldn't be. Heaven they say is full of happiness, laughter and angels. I don't hear nor see angels. Definitely I am not in a happy state, I am in a state of pain though I feel so numb to know if I was in pain.

--to be continued--

the love that never was

i can be honest, but cant be true
can be tearfully joyful, yet blue

seek in me the truth, cause all youll see is you
but dont be fooled because that love was never you

yes it was a love that never was
maybe not as tender as our hearts
cause for all these years were through
i did never forget the feeling so true

and in time we'll find our destinies
forgive me and the time I've wasted

fate and faithfully praying
well see each whom we've fated

originally posted on: Thursday, May 28, 2009

Birthdays Past

My birthday is but four months away, I'm just reposting my previous birthday posts.

My Shittiest Birthday

Oct 19, '08 1:30 PM for everyone

It's family, and the adage or saying "You can choose your friends but never your family" - seems hauntingly familiar. It's always been and I've never learned, I've never grown callous. If this is the way to show affection, damn my family should win first prize for their portrayal.

By saying "family" - I'm not limiting to my parents, my siblings - but also my aunts - everyone that surrounds me.

Im not looking for praise, not even attention. Im just looking for appreciation. A simple "thank you" should do.

And what do I get? I always fell short of everyone's expectations, Im not giving much. Im selfish. Im weird, Im this, should be this. We've done this, you should do this. Everyone is testing my patience, everyone is hurting, Im hurting... you happy?

To tell you the truth I am not living in luxury, Im living within my limit. I dont suffer so much money trouble because I know my expenses, I budget, Im earning, Im spending on things that I need.

I get sick and nobody cares for me but myself, I dont even know why your comments matter, maybe there is some truth behind those words, but can you give me some leeway, it's my damn birthday!

A simple thank you should do. 

27	Oct 19, '09 11:14 AM for everyone

Today Im turning 27 (Oct. 20), 10 years since highschool, 6 years since college, 5 years working.

The younger version of me would have never guessed what Im doing with my life or how I turned out to be. When I was in my teens and early twenties I always thought that I will be having a family of my own when I reach 25 (which many of my friends knew). But here I am 2 years after the 'deadline' still single, not committed and in the wild so to speak.

Im always finding ways to improve myself (maybe not physically...), I try not to be bounded in my comfort zone, I try to always think out of the box, do adventures and experience life, seeing new places and meeting new friends.And yet I always find myself thinking, am I a good son? The answer is maybe, it is a hard question to answer and can only be answered when Im dead, maybe in my eulogy.

As I have written a year ago, my saddest birthday, now that I'm 27 - no more celebration (the food, party stuff). Starting with this birthday I will go to church and thank the lord for giving me another year to grow, maybe treat myself a good lunch or dinner, reply to those who will greet me and that's it, I will call it a day. I have other things in mind - but it is exclusively void of any celebration with many people.

And yes, I am not that scared compared to way back then when I was 25 and I asked myself what will I be, right now Im pretty confident that I can be something of some use soon. I will not rush life, but take it a step at a time. As I am getting older (more mature?) I realize that life is a one pass cannot-be-rewound event, so I have to carefully live as what I'd like to live to minimize regrets.

I would like to grab this opportunity to thank those who remembered. :D

The Birthday Blog 10202010

Oct 21, '10 1:35 AM for everyone

Before I start this year, you maybe interested to read last year's birthday blog here: http://dwightto.blogspot.com/2009/10/27.html

So first things first, I've scrapped the how old (or young) I am from the title. Maybe its not about adding one to your years but adding a multitude of experiences to yourself which is important.

The next thing I realized is that this is the 3rd year that Im celebrating it with new officemates, 2 yrs ago it was with Ideyatech, last year with Playtech and now with NCR. Which is to say that I've been in 3 companies for the past 3 years! It's not like I'm job hopping, circumstances beyond my control is mainly the reason for such jumps. But I'm not complaining universe! I'm just stating a fact.

Aside from new work, studies are not progressing yet. Ive delayed to fulfill my masters in education because of financial matters. I may continue it next year if I have the chance, the time and the money.

Family is ok, though we are not anymore complete because my sister has left for Australia to get married and live there for good. But we welcomed a new member of our family, a new baby girl from my youngest sister. Aren't babies the cutest beings of all (and also smells good).

Even though I was laid off from work this year (my first ever) it's still a good year. I paid my insurance, bills, and most important of all gone to Bora! Yes the most popular island in the Philippines-checked!

Ahh,this fact just springs to mind, most of my batcmates in highschool and in college are either in a committed (and hopefully loving) relationship or married (or those states past marriage), or have babies. Im just totally happy for them for their courage to take on new roles and responsibility, kudos to them!

Celebration? I didn't treat my officemates because I am still shy and doesnt have that rapport to all of them save a few. At home, I asked my aunt to cook buttered chicken and sweet and sour pork for dinner. I also bought ice cream.

I also attended Epson's web team farewell party at Zao and met my previous bridge engineer to say my thanks in the years that I was working in Epson.

Well I guess that's it for now. Maybe next year the universe will cook up something good for me.

Enjoying my day, ahhh it's already night.

Accidental Poet

I don't know how to rhyme
Throw me a dime
Words doesn't jumble
I just mumble

Want to write that can't be said
Saying to myself just get laid
Enough of imagining and start realizing
The beauty of the world, stop stargazing

Working hard, working late
Is this why you graduate?
Be your own boss,
carry your own cross

Looking at your friends now
They got married somehow
Look at yourself lonely
You ain't got nobody

Family's amazing, always entertaining
Kids running, grandmother is fuming
Shouting to keep the kids at bay
When nothing keeps them to stay

Staring at the computer screen
Writing the words that you've seen
Liking the effects of each line
As they make a beautiful rhyme

The Sign

Perfect in every way
Perfect in every sway
No, nothing is comparable
There's just nothing worth mentionable

You, girl that my eyes are set
Look at me this boy that's beset
You shine and live life as red
Im blue as the ocean have no clue

We are opposites, a north and a south
A head and a tail of the same penny
Maybe looking at the same sky
But standing on the opposite side

So that's the truth
I lay it out

Don't you hear this cry
Silent but you can see it in my eyes
Not showing as tears or frown
But a smile on my face year round

To Share

In my existence, I've been generally (with a few spots of gray) good. But there are people that sway you to the darker side. And sometimes you get swayed. And you get swayed happily.

But it is not true that being on the wrong side of things you are freer. No, I dont believe that rubbish. For being free there is a huge responsibility. It is not always about yourself! The earth does not revolve to satisfy your every need. Sometimes you yourself needs to satisfy those of others.

Yourself is not anymore yours. You share it, but how can you share it when you don't care for it? Would you consume an expired good? Not unless you want to have an upset stomach. In service to others, yourself should be top class, potable, beneficial and not the other way around.

Touching other people's lives - positively, what a long way for me to be.

Anticipating

It's been a long time coming
And yet when time comes
It comes unexpectedly
Im afraid of what's going to happen next.

Many say Im going to fall for you
People who know me says so
And they saw me fell in love from ago
Will they be prophets to predict us too?

In a few months, make it two
It's me who will breathe the same air
Tangibly feel you from the inside
Will it be paradise-like when Im finally within you?

Will the two us dance like a pair
Or lose affection, that mysterious attraction
Will it be the start of forever
Or the beginning of an ending?

Will I come back for more?
Or leave and never come back
Will I leave my heart?
Or leave a memory that sucks

Questions I ask now
Time will answer soon
Let me take that plane
Is Singapore on my lane?

Bible Story

My bible stories are rusty because I have to admit that I have not been re-reading the Bible like I'm infinitum playing the music in my ipod. That fact aside, I remember a story where Abraham was tested by God to sacrifice his only son Isaac to HIM. Abraham obeyed God even though it is a tough act, but then God stopped Abraham and told him that he has seen his obedience to him and that was enough evidence of his love to God.

Reflecting on this particular story, maybe is the source of the saying "Obey first before you complain". Obeying is sometimes a tough choice when you know that obeying will hurt you. Or simply it is hard to obey when you can't see the benefit of it on you. But as shown by Abraham, he obeyed God and take note that it is his son to be sacrificed! It is safe to assume that if I was in the position of Abraham I would have chosen a different path, thank God I was not him.

Why am I talking about obedience right now? Because recently I've been a blabbering stick of disobedience. From accessing the internet on company time, to not taking myself to the doctor for checkup, to not listening to my parents, to not listening to my friends, to not listening to myself. I've been disobedient and I'm not proud of that.

I hope there is redemption for me, because I'm trying, very hard to follow rules and not break them or if I need to break them have the paperworks to prove them.

And maybe this is just the virus talking.

Ours Was A Good Story

I never tried to understand
Our situation just slide to disband
Cursing and yelling we did not do
Just an indifference of me towards you

Now that we have been apart
Not missing you is not a good start to tell you now
Cause that will only add the hurt I inflicted on you somehow

I do believe that someday, true friendship will bloom our way
A friendship that is not based on tragic love
Of lust, experiment and young years love

Until that day will come
We have to wait and experience other persons
In our lives and sometimes out
Because we should not lose hope in the promise of love

Year after year we get nearer to the finale
Anticipation builds and we prepare our sorries
Cause at the end, believing ours was a good story

That

Sometimes we have to make difficult decisions. It's just a  part of life to make one at least a dozen times, right? Who doesn't? I don't know one that didn't. Rich, poor, educated, street smarts - ALL of us had made one. And today I have to make one - a really difficult one.

Ok, not to tease or something, let's rewind a little, back a few uncertain years ago, when the world is just this beautiful place (at least a beautiful place in my memory) - simple, ignorant but blissful. The world when I was still on - my diapers (were diapers already in existence back then?) ok not that past please. A little forward in time, ok steady, a little more adjustment... to this particular time. 

I was young, tall, not so dark, and definitely... never-mind. I was walking when suddenly I fell, on my knees, in the pavement of, wait a minute, a mall. You can just imagine my embarrassed face as I try to get up and seeing all those people's judgmental look. I can imagine cartoon character's dialog bubble over their heads with "Klutz", "Hahahaha...", "What happen?" labels dangling. So I fell, what's the big deal?

I went on straight to what I need to buy that day. A stuffed toy. For a friend. Ok for the "that" girl. 

More memories are coming in while I'm writing this, on this rainy evening. Continuing...

 So I went into the store, sorted through their merchandise, checking the size, color and "feel" but most importantly - the price. I just wanted to have the perfect stuff for a perfect price. Nah, I just don't have enough money back then (and until now, but I digress). 

I have this nice little fluffy thing on my hand, and as I was walking towards the cashier I realized that I left my wallet (wait I don't have a wallet even before) - I mean I don't have enough money to buy it. Out of personal embarrassment and hoping that the sales lady did not notice me dropping out of the line, I quietly left the store.

But I still need to give something to "that" girl. It was her birthday and I have to give her something. We will be meeting at the mall about an hour that day and I just have to give her something. I tried my luck, and being poor on probability theory I gambled on the toy grabber machine (I don't know the exact name, it's that machine where you drop a coin and the claws move and you try to grab a toy and drop it in the pit) - and I lost. 

I don't only have lesser money than what I already had, I still didn't have a gift for "that" girl.

The time came that we meet and I was not ready to tell her about the crazy thing I did just to give her a gift, so I just bought her a sundae and that made "that" girl smile. It was awesome, the feeling of being smiled at - honestly I don't remember the feeling, but it must be just awesome.

And for those who maybe asking who "that" girl is, you can guess, but I wont tell. And it's probably not who you think, remember the timeline?

Back to that difficult decision I have to make now, which is more delicious Balamban liempo or Sr. Pedro? I have to pick a favorite and my stomach can't decide.

Maybe

You made me confess
You made me tell my story
A geniune me is in your hands

You tell me your stories
Your fights and your worries
A genuine you, a person that's true


However, times changed
Truths becomes lies
Sadly lies becomes good enough truth
To ease the pain
Of being open, and being seen

Stories we tell
Are now half truths, half baked in an oven
The fire still burns but it does not burn the same
How did we come to this when we started
As true as the sun and wind?

Going back maybe
I confessed
I told my story
I'm genuine in your hands

But

You were just MAYBE.

Book

Meaning I found in you is lost when you're not around
The dictionary only provides the definition 
But its not the meaning my heart is bound.


In our last kiss our bodies were together 
Yet we know that time passes and we were sure
This moment lasts nowhere near forever


In my mind, I keeep imagining that there must be someone else
Whom have gotten the sweet love that we once have
For there is a rule that nothing is lost in this universe


On my journey to my next princes, or my maiden in distress
I'm hoping a great fire of desire
To quench this aching and blistering heart and soul of mine


But most of all, aside from burning passion and ecstasy of love
The desire to have someone, always, Im looking at that book
Buried deep inside my heart that tells the story of who I am

Real

Looking for that special someone takes guts. For me that categorizes myself as timid when it comes to dating, I find it tedious to "sell" your myself.

I remember when I was very young, my parents tell me not to get married early (or get someone else pregnant). I can safely say that they have succeeded in teaching me to enjoy life being single and unattached.

Have I been to a relationship? Absolutely. Many quotes says that it is important to love, be loved and experience love and of course warns of its evil twin, hurt. Have I stumbled? Yes!

Does this makes me jaded of sort about love? Maybe. In my observation from the people around me, close friends, relatives, not so close friends - even those of showbiz, it is hard to keep a relationship.

So what's the point of being in a relationship? Someone you can share something about? Someone to touch or hold your hand in the cold? I guess most of those things apply and more.

Being single doesn't mean Im alone though. I wasn't looking but then as fate would reveal, there she is staring back, not at me but through me.

No words escaped my mouth as she can read my mind. She holds my hand and it feels like Im holding eternity. The feel of her warmth on my skin is heaven on earth. She is perfect, and I found perfectness.

There is only one problem.

She is not real.

--Untitled--

Can't let you go, not because I still have romantic feelings for you, but because you were a big part of who I am today. Losing you is tantamount to losing a big chunk of myself. Who am I today is partly an effect of what I've been through with you.

Your friendship is a thing I want back. That's the truth, nothing less and nothing more. No agenda, no conspiracy.

It may be hard and I may fail but this time it doesnt matter if I win or lose as long as I tried. I'm getting tired of me being your 3rd letter of the alphabet in reverse, and I assume that you too feel the same.

Dreamful Day

A tropical depression during summer? Wacky! - this is a fact not a dream!

Anyways, back to the dream. 

I was walking towards the airport entrance. Then suddenly out of nowhere, I see a lightning strike, and heard a booming sound. I was scared. Then I saw this dark swirling clouds and it became very dark. My id or a picture of me was swept away by the wind. I decided not to go with my flight and instead go home.

I was hopping from stone to stone because the roads are flooded.

Somehow I reached home. When I was there, Clyde wanted to borrow my ipod because he wants to play with it - in an arcade game with someone else's ipod. I said no. An unrecignized lady asked me to install some software on her ipad. I realized that her ipad version is 6, while my ipod version is 9. 

Then I was with Juvy, she said she is coming by May and would see us on the 15th because she only has a few days to stay and very busy. 

-and with most dreams it ended.

Friendster. Diary/Scrapbook/Social Networking. 2011

sky tol Jan 16, 2006 06:21 PM 

Kani c dwight,

 bwahahaha katawa nalang ko daan kay para seriousness na daun. Usa ka tao nga tinuod, kung imu cyang tan awon, naa cyay ulo, lawas ug nawng sa tao...heheheh. Btaw, he is a real person dili plastic (kaila man kaha mo ug plastic). Ang akong dili malimtan niya kay ang iyang pagka inosente (sa una rato noh! naka uyab na bya ni akong migo karon). Kung naa koy activity or contest sa una, mo tabang gyud ni cya nako (of course, g sweldohan mani nako...heheeh joke). Hantod karon, gamay ra ang iyang kausaban. formal na kunuhay ni cya kay naman c marites..mao ra to cya next time nalang ang uban....

Marianne Pepito Sep 25, 2005 09:43 PM 

hello dwight....hehehhehe...i knew dwight since highschool, childish kaayo and he still acts this way despite his age...but being that, i still love him that way, mabait na kaibigan..he'll gonna stick with u through thick & thin...that's why i treasured his friendship so much

 thanks dwight for being a friend to me, i'll always cherished the memories we shared way back in highschool... :)

 keep up...good bless

 always, 

marianne :)

Jo Alfafara-Fenton Sep 01, 2005 01:49 AM 

hajimemaste douzo yoroskio, dwite!!! he's a very nice jolly, easy to be with, super mabait? hehehhe mabait talaga. I personally knew him when we had our overnight gimmicks sa dalaguete...yah!!! bestfwen, kapatid, karamay, kasangga ni marites besin oi!!!! well, friendly kaayo ni cya and you will surely got a happy day when you had his company. Secret ni dwite kusog mohagok lyk pagovernyt namo wd matching do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-do hehheeh. peace, dwite! thanks diay sa imo company and all the chikka to the max. hope to see u soon!

Easter dela Calzada May 22, 2005 12:04 PM 

Dwight, mysterious lagi kyo imo

 pic?Hehehehe....Haven't seen this pal

 for about 5 years after graduation from

 highschool.....as far as I can remember,

 he is about a few inch taller than me

 and he is a bit innocent at that

 time...Pero karon? grabeh nka

 Dwight...dili nka matuohan...what

 happened to yah....nagrabehan siguro ug

 tubo? or what? Heheheeh.....bitaw..so

 many things have changed since the time

 we separate ways...halos dili nko kaila

 nimo.....grabeh na kyo manulti as in

 murag 30 nay edad...heheeheh...joke

 only..."mura ra man".....but I think he

 has grown man enough to take

 responsibilites and challenges in

 life....basin managhan ug maayo imo uban

 ha!!!kalmahe lang.....peace bro.....I

 wish you all the luck and blessing of

 God....may he always be the light unto

 your path......basta ayaw lang gyud ko

 ug kalimti....panglibre baya gyud

 ha...i-aprove gyud ni kay kapoy ug

 type...ako sad testimonial ha....

khristianie lauta Feb 04, 2005 05:47 PM 

sun certified dwight... dugay nako 

wa kita aning tawhana. well, he's a 

very simple guy. malingaw ni cyag 

tanaw ug mga salida. dvds dvds... 

hehe. lingaw sad kaau ni cya mu 

sturya. fun fun. maau sad kau mu 

program. he's one of our mentors

 (oa ra ang term!?) sa PRISM/PAT. 

WARNING: muhilom jud ni cya kaau 

if gigutom. heheheheh dba? then 

after kaon, ok na, normal. hehehe 

ayoayo dwAyT

Les Reyes Jun 08, 2004 06:53 AM 

C Dwight member jud na sya sauna sa 7 

dwarfs back in high school. Pro karon 

taasa na niya uy!! Graduate pa jud sa 

UP COMSCI the best. I know this man 

will work it's way to the top soon. 

Just don't forget kon magVictory party 

ka Dwight invite batch '99 ha? Kay 

mokaon jud me'g daghan bahala na..... 

ayo2x

Web Tan Apr 12, 2004 03:27 AM 

Helpful kaayo ni cya nga pagkatao. 

Every questions nako about computers, 

iya jud tubagon maski nakulitan na na 

cya.Tnx Dwight! Ang kapait lang mabun-

 og ka ani nya kay carino brutal kaau ni 

cya. Heheh...:)

Maryan Grace Tizon Mar 23, 2004 01:00 AM 

i met dwight twice, but it is as if 

i've known him for years already. one 

of the nicest guy i've ever met..he 

even watched the sound of music with 

us during christmas day. =) i admire 

he's simplicity. 'yano kaayo ni na 

tao..lay labad. from what i know, 

bangiitan pod ni cya mu program.. =) 

dwight will go a long way...mga 

girls..he's such a good catch!! =)

Frank III Manuel Mar 22, 2004 02:37 PM 

si ian? Java certified!!! twin ni 

nako! same height, same weight, same 

dako'g kaon pero dili mu-tambok!!! 

ngano bitaw dwight noh? weird.. Kani 

siya, super bright but super humble. 

(see: java certified). kataw-an lang 

ang mga job interviews, salig nadawat 

sa epson!! wahahaha!!! lingaw pud ni 

siya nga person. lingaw i-pluck ang 

hairs. (hehehehehe) corny pud mu-joke 

and all. keep up, dwight! bangka jud 

when you're rich ha!! bantay!!

maLenSky abad Mar 18, 2004 12:02 AM 

c dwight??? ang lalaking cge lang 

magbuwa ang baba gawas ug masakit! 

vitamins nalay nagpadagans lawas!! 

nhehehhe kusog manggunit ug 

manghapak,kusog sad makiglalis. pero 

that's just dwight...that's part of the 

whole unique package, ang iyang 

pagkabrutal!! his goal in life is to 

marry someone from the province..kanang 

mailad niya ba. hehehe he's the type of 

guy whose life story could be sent 

to "maalaala mo kaya", about sa iyang 

pagbloom as a programmer. idol!!! pero 

one thing i've realized is that he's 

actually very funny n i'm very 

delighted that he's one of my friends. 

charness! (",)

Anne Pabroquiz Mar 07, 2004 01:46 AM 

Si dwight?!? I used to call him brutal 

coz he really holds u tightly..as 

in..kusog manghapak..I always remember 

times where we go to Ayala with JM and 

talk everything about life..bisan 

unsa..naa gani ni sila sabot ni JM na 

magkauyab..as in..he's a gud friend and 

i really admire him for passing the 

java certification...grabe..he's also 

funny to be with and kulit kaau..he's 

also one of my bestest male 

friends...Love u dwight!!! u

Juvy Sosmena Feb 22, 2004 09:22 PM 

The most down-to-earth person i have 

ever met. No egoistic attitude 

whatsoever. He's also a very good 

programmer. Not just good but DAMN 

GOOD!!!:) He's easy to get along with. 

A very good friend and will make a very 

good teacher. Nindot jud cya mo-

 teach 'coz makasabot dayon ka. He's 

lifelong dream is to have a baby by the 

age of 28, in whatever possible way. 

HAHAHa!!

Cecilia Tizon Nov 26, 2003 09:10 PM 

Dwight is one of those people you feel 

comfortable with right after the first 

meeting. He's a very down-to-earth 

person with no egotism whatsoever. 

Dwight laughs at the corniest jokes and 

is funny himself, although he doesn't 

intend to be sometimes (Ask him to 

switch mouse and he'll drop the monitor 

filter, hehe). He's also a darn good 

programmer and a really good buddy.

Broke 2.0

As always, the last post was me being broke, and now this post is me being broke again. It's no fun but I'm just going to write about it than stress myself out thinking how to get out of this self-recession.

Sweldo came in just now and I dutifully paid my 2 credit cards, and telephone bill. What's left is a number divided by 15 and the result? 300 pesos per day. What happened to the days I can incessantly go to the malls and watch movies, splurge on techy devices, eat anything I want. Now. Gone.

I miss those days I can just go anywhere else without worrying if I'm breaking my budget. I don't even worry about money - before! Now, I even caution myself not to go the malls because it is very easy to spend when you are surrounded by beautiful and yummy things. Sigh.

A part time job that is not so stressful and not so tasking is all I need to correct this budget deficit I am currently encountering. But what part time job will make me at least 3000 a month? I can go for online work but I'm not quite sure what type of services I can offer, like web programming or anything.

Maybe on the next sweldo I can breathe a little more than this month because finally I already paid my 20k PC purchase last February. I hope so, or I'll be dammed.

Broke

I realize that Im always broke nowadays. From the moment I stopped earning extra from my part time job last January, I now feel the pinch. Im always out of money and my supposedly "savings" account that is for savings (duh?!) and insurance money is continually being used as an emergency fund. This is definitely not a good sign of financial health.

My current job pays decent. I just got a raise but Im not feeling the effect because I opted to have 10% of my earnings go automatically to a fund. I cant get out of it yet or I can resign and get my money -but that's a decision I will not make soon.

How about finding another part time job? This always comes to mind, but I dont know, I dont have the energy to pursue finding one. Im not thrilled to do web developing too- I just want to sleep and travel and be out under the sun.

The travels, I agree I had many and its just half of the year! But to make it clear, those travels are comparably cheap than the travels I've had in the past. They are all within Cebu province and one Bohol-but even that Bohol trip is budget friendly so to speak.

Gadgets. Let me think, the last one that broke my wallet is my 20k desktop PC. But it's worth it because I'm using it as my work PC at home, which currently is just my downloading station and social networking pc.

I totally hate being in this state of money-less. Its sad to note that money literally is a figure of speech and that you only see it but not feel it.

Money money money in a poor man's world - is indeed a treasure and by treasure I mean rare.

Uninspired

It is the lenten season. Four days of weekend. 

Times have changed, when I was a kid, I remember being told not to get out of the house because the "hudeyos" will come and get kids. There is also caution on being wounded because it will not heal. Binignit is cooked after hearing the 7 last words of Jesus. And most of all no more bathing after 3pm on Good Friday.

Stores were closed and there is little to no programming on tv and radios - or if there were only those of religious nature.

Now? Some stations offer reruns of their soap operas and or movies that doesnt really fit "religious". The entertainment variety show arm of the networks are in day off because most of their actors and actresses are lounging in the beach or outside the country for their much needed beauty vacations. Binignit is still cooked though and most malls offer half-day to no work on some days.

For the common household like ours, the internet is at its peak of use. With all the members of the family at home, bandwidth is at an all time high. There is only an occassional lull moment but it is a far cry from the nothing-todo era of the bygone decades.

Like Christmas, I've lost the feeling of the Lenten season- it just become another holiday that gives us a couple of extra days away from work. I would like to do some religious activity but my cousins are not "game" and it is tiring to just go to a religious place alone without transportation.

I wonder what it might have been years ago in the time of my grandparents where tv and the internet is virtually non existent. How would they spend the days, those very hot summer days?

It is a question some can answer because they still have their grandparents to ask, but for me it would be forever a question.

2 Million Madness

Our company is having this novel idea of raffling (is this a valid word?) 2 million pesos (1.4 million after taxes). Did you miss that? Yeah, 2 million!

I know, crazy right?

Well for me it is. From the very first time I heard the ruckus, I kind of felt shaken and not a good kind of shake. Outright let me say, management is just being lazy with this gimmick!

What would I do if I win this prize? Technically I'm not yet part of the 1st draw this June due to the rule that states "at least one year of service". Anyways, if in the succeeding draws I will win, it would be goodbye company N. Yes, no hesitation, I would take it as a sign from above that its time to move on.

Why such negative feedback to this?
Many. For one the company has 4 million worth of money they can't even sponsor pity (as they say) allowances like a rice, grocery, project allowances that employees can readily consume. Yes the intended purpose of the amount is for the lucky winner can jumpstart owning a house and lot or car.

Yes (count the number of Yeses on this entry, it may reach 2 million, wahahah) they say that salaries are now competitive based on performance and that these pity allowances are now part of the "re-aligned" pay. Im not really sold. But that's beside the point, 4 million a year (divided by approx 500 employees) can do so much to uplift the spirits of a lowly software engineer.

This is just my opinion. Im not protesting because management has already explained the purpose of this "loyalty" program. 

As I said I think they're just being lazy. Period.

Chat Room

I've been very talkative lately. Ok, to those officemate(s) who will ultimately read this - I'm not the quite person I was when I was newly hired, I admit Im a talker so can we get past that?

It's guilt free, I was doing these pseudo-documentation for my upcoming development, and honestly it doesn't in itself interest me to just sit down and read them and edit them and reread them. Im not that kind of person. Im not a reader, Im a talker. But it's not the case that I ignore them, I do finish them and ask guidance from my manager who by the way is halfway around the world, which means if I send email the reply would be 12 hrs later which translates to "tomorrow".

Also it's guilt free because I am ftp-uploading this gargantuous VM Image file which takes forever.

Reasons. I have many. But the chatter lately is because the topic is so close to the heart, talk about life (love, family, s*x), work, aspirations and dreams. Not to mention occasional topic of places I would like to visit one day.

I know I am paid to work. And it isn't like Im not working, I am.
But Im just slacking a bit and then back to serious work when all these frustrations (not job related) are shared and my mind is clear.

A Note on Death

Another day to live, to some of us today is an ordinary day. But to the old, to the sickly to those with terminal illness, waking up alive today is another miracle of life.

Somewhere someone celebrates life! A birth of a new baby, a chance of second life, a cure of a disease, a food on their plates. But somewhere someone also grieve for a dear one's life lost.

Death does not follow a pre determined state, and almost always catches us by surprise! It doesnt always follow a predictable path.

I've known a few that bit the dust too soon and unexpectedly. There's my cousin who was shot dead. My uncle who unexpectedly died on his sleep. My other uncle who succumbed to an unknown illness.

That is why I remember a few years back, I promised myself to live life to the most extent that I possibly can. To live by not just breathing but making each breathing moment count.

To live without regret, to always learn and never stop learning. To touch other's lives. To explore the world and not just see it but live it.

Fairytale

Im in a pool
A frog you must kiss
I may not turn out to the the handsome prince
But let me promise you this, you will be
My one and only princess

I may not have a horse
Or carry a sword
That will protect you from the witch
But let me promise you this, I will be
The one to kiss you when you fall into a deep sleep

Out of the billion
You are my only maiden
That can fill this shoe
You left when we danced
When we danced in the rain

I may not come from a ship
That makes you wish you have feet
My love is as big as the ocean
Let me give up my breath
To be with you beneath

Long hair, red hood, skin white as snow
Doesn't really matter
For they are just skin deep that time can erase

A horse or a noble steed
I have not
Even chariots, or cars I can't even rent
But let me promise you this, we can travel
Together holding hands as long as we have each other

How May Times Will It Take?

My intentions are good

But why do it translates to nothingness?

Can I go back

To the moment before I even tried?

Now Im carrying the weight

And I cant barely hold it up

Atlas must felt the same

Holding the sky away from the sand

Should accept that sometimes

The truth hurts, and hurts deep

Cause it may take a hundred lifetimes

For me to finally get it right

Should have get wiser

From each moment that life

Turns to a diffent cheek

But no, sometimes wrong is an adrenaline rush

So the last thing that I can speak

To you that cares

Is a simple sorry

That even me sometimes can't take

Uncertain

How can I go
When my thoughts are peg
On you?

How can I move on
When my inspiration is
Still you?

Can't I run
Away from your shadow
For maybe just awhile
Without losing breath?

Can't I live a day
Without you in my thoughts
That hours seems to stand still
Where every second pierces my health?

Is it really you?
Or am I just imaging an us
Maybe the reality is
You, me but not we

Conspicuous Theory

To say the obvious is an insult to the senses. We are given the faculties of sight, hearing, smell, touch and taste for a reason! That is to USE them.
Like many things unused (examples: appendix, body hairs, wisdom teeth), it is either shrunk, or totally erased in the next iteration of homo sapiens species.

Sometimes I wonder if people use a fare share of the brain power that's been alloted by nature in which they can tap into. Aha! There are times they don't because they let some blood pumping organ do the thinking that's supposed to be done by the neuron-rich member.

Common sense is after all not that common they should be renamed as uncommon sense for those people.

I'm just disappointed because I for one is guilty of not using the common sense that I've been blabbering about. Sometimes I just like to ask and ask unintelligently. It's a part of my charms. But not all the time. Not always. Not in a life-and-death situation. Not in a defining moment of your life or your career. Not in time of making friendships and building teamwork. There are limits. Boundaries. Line.

To end, choose wisely. Don't get carried away by that sudden rise of emotion that shows physically either as a rosy cheek or a tear. You have other faculties you need to take into account rather than that raw feeling that most if not all the time you will regret. Don't be stupid, or more aptly don't be stupid MOST of the time.

Wish That I Can Honestly Say "I Love You Too

Because it will make the world a better place for you and probably for me too.
Because if that happens all the searching will finally end.
Because when that time comes forever will not be enough.

If I am just being stubborn right now, I wish it would go away.
If I am just blind right now, I wish I will see the light.
If I am just lost, I wish I find the way.
Because if in the future I am destined to be with you and you are gone forever and will never be mine, the universe should be ready for my wrath.

I honestly pray that you will find the one. Right now its not me. If in the future it "may" be me and you are with someone else, read above.

If you are hurt by me, I am more hurt because what kind of person would like to inflict hurt to others? Unless they are enemies, but we are NOT enemies, though right now we are neither friends.

It pains me to know I'm the cause of your pain.
That shouldn't be.
If that's the case then we should probably stop trying to be friends again.
Treat me as your foe.
Hate me. 

No! I take that "hate me" phrase back.
You should not hate me because you will still care.
Just altogether ignore and don't care my existence, my presence, me being here.
Let me be extinct in your world.

I am an optimist.
Time heals all wounds and recovers the wounded.
Everything has its time and I deeply pray to my God that one day you will truly forgive me.
And that one day I will forgive myself.

March Madness

I'm still sane, don't worry. All faculties checked.

What I'm referring to is the calamity that has happened recently in Japan. That 9.0 magnitude earthquake followed by the tsunami that leveled many towns and that nuclear reactor melting down is sort of maddening. Is the world ending. I don't like to think so.

I wanted to live. Live like until I'm 80 or so. Live to see what the world becomes in 2060's. Are there still computers like we have today or will they be in a new "form"? What would be the killer "app" by then? Will there be a first step on Mars? Things like this makes me want to live longer.

 Right now, it seems that the world has many incidents of earthquakes, tsunamis, glacial melting, volcanoes erupting - but according to one online article I read, thats not true. The earth just had "average" occurrences of those events, the problem is that many people are living on these zones that's why the increase in damage. Also that we are now so connected that what happens to an individual who has a twitter account will quickly update their twitter accounts and let know the world.

We should take care of our environment, it's ailing and  it needs our help. We should be responsible for each other and that we may pass this Earth to our future generation in a "livable" state. 

Manila, Manila, I keep Coming Back To Manila

The song is in my head! And yes I’m coming back to Manila albeit only for a very short vacation starting this Friday until Sunday! Wohooo!

I planned this trip with my sister last year but had to cancel because the holiday was cancelled by our ever dearest new president Abnoy (oopss, Noynoy I mean).

Aside from my sister I am also with my SpEd classmates but they will be going there earlier than me, we will just meet there when I’m there.

It’s been almost a year since I was in Manila. The last time was last June when I went to Bora and had an extra day to stay. I miss living in Manila, I’m not like everybody else that loathes it. I actually love the place, but not as much as I love my own Cebu City.

Itinerary includes: Ocean Park and EK. Although I’ve been there I’m still thrilled to go there again. I’m sure I’m going to ride the MRT (I miss the MRT) and go to the malls.

Even though it is just a short stay, it’s enough to quench my Manila thirst.

Stuck in a Moment

It’s been a month since I am on this state, “limbo”-like, though I’ve never been to limbo, but I guess limbo is like this. You await for something, knowing that you are waiting for something yet you must do something before that something you await comes… – confusing? My point exactly!

I thought that finally I can stay put on someplace – this place – yet I’m already thinking otherwise.

It’s just some feeling though, I’m not finalizing it yet, and if there’s anything I’ve learned from the past is to NOT be compulsive about my actions and decisions. I promise to myself that I will study and learn as much as I can and weigh the pros and cons of the situation before I make any decisions.

For now I guess I’m just tired of the “beach” outing last weekend that I’m just so low in energy.

The 3am Blog

Ok so I'm awake this very early, and it is not December for the Misa de Gallo, it is for the beach! Yes the beach, I always wanted to go but because of the weather, the crazy weather, I didn't, but now? Yes!

To what beach? Bantayan island. The last time I was there was like ages ago back in 2005. As I remembered it, it was a beautiful white sandy beach.

I don't know how to swim, but I like to just be on the shoreline watching the waves, the beauty of nature including those that walks. I like to be on the beach because it pauses time away from the razzle dazzle of city life.

I've been standing here and being bitten by mosquitos bit by bit waiting for my ride, where are you newfound acquintance?

So excited already, my camera's gonna love the love!

Road Block

I am currently in a roadblock. I don’t know where to turn or if I should move in the first place. I’m imagining myself to just be out of my body and see the other side (no! not die but just see the other side). Am I waiting for a good outcome or is waiting a bad idea? My instincts tell me to just do what I can do to get out from this situation and face the consequences of my actions good or bad, and just charge it to experience.

On the other hand, waiting does pose the same amount of risk and consequences as moving.

I’m on the move, so wish me good luck!

Windows Phone 7 “Atatness”

I know this feeling
The rush and excite it brings
For I know that I wanted
And I wanted it dear

Download increased my thrill
For it is slow as a snail
How can I progress
When the progress bar does not increase?

I already downloaded
Lots of references and
Tutorials, videos, blogs
Name it and its already embedded

Can’t wait for this night
Should post a thing from the emulator
That will make known to the world
Windows Phone is not yet over.

Email Phobia

Recently I noticed that I hate opening my emails, like Yahoo and even my own corporate email account which is one of the first applications I open when I turn-on my office workstation. It’s like I’m afraid that it brings only bad news. I hate bad news, who doesn’t right?

The Truth.

The reason that I hate opening Yahoo emails is that it is the email account where I can be reached by my previous part time job. You see I left it hanging, my status with them, and I have some serious issues to make-up that I don’t have the courage to face them yet. I know it’s kind of cowardly and running away from the problem instead of facing it. The problem is that it’s dragging on and I want to let go, but I’m stuck.

Karma.

Like a chain, now I feel a little mortified when I’m about to open my corporate account. For it feels that at any moment I will be reprimanded and it will completely ruin my day. Specially on Tuesdays when we had this weekly meetings about status and progress.

I know the time to face my problem is getting nearer and nearer and I have no other option but to face them head on.

Is there a safety helmet designed for such “incidents”? I need a hard one, I’m afraid for my life.

Slingshot Effect

This concept has been used for ages by those people that design spaceships. Instead of burning fuel to reach a destination let’s say another planet, they use a neat trick by making the probe (or whatever space ship) build momentum by circling another celestial body (like the moon) then because of whatever force will “slingshot” the ship to its destination, less fuel more efficient.

But this blog is not about physics or astronomy. This is about, just a piece of my thinking.

In the early days, like 7 years ago, I was like burning to get into a destination. With so much to prove and idealism to fuel those dreams, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that I’ll get there, albeit worn out and jaded.

But, I did get there. Jaded. A little bit. Ok, more than a little bit.

And as a promise to myself, or to learn from the experience, I said “I would never do that again…”.

So passed the years that I’m just an Earth-bound satellite, never really excelling, just not high enough to escape Earth’s gravity.

And yet, I get tired of being mediocre all the time. I miss the challenge. I miss the fire.

I did not know when it started, but I’m actually accelerating. Will I let myself to get burnt out this time or will I use the slingshot effect? The latter is promising but I need a lot of math instead of just raw desires, and math in this case is strategy.

And today, I’m expecting a lot of bad news. Maybe I will get scolded, or embarrassed or ridiculed. I don’t know. I don’t really know. But this is the feeling that made me realize I’m stepping out of my comfort zone again. To take on new challenges. To take on new responsibilities. To breath a new meaning to this life.

For this renewed ties to myself I say, “Bon Voyage!”

The Dreams

1st Episode: The Taxi Ride

I was travelling by plane, when it landed I hop into a taxi. The taxi driver said that some routes are closed and we need to go the other way. He told me that I can borrow his bicycle so that I can go to my destination faster. I complied and carried some sort of package and cycle my way to my friend's house. 

When I arrived at her place, she asked "Where is your bag? Did you get the plate number of the taxi?",that's when I realized that I did not take note of the number. I felt desperate and stupid because I left my things there. My friend texted my number as to our location and hoping that the taxi driver will deliver my things.

After some moment, the taxi arrived and the good samaritan driver returned my things. I felt relieved and woke up.

2nd Episode: Rain and Singing Cat

My friend invited me to her wedding anniversary. I was in a yellow shorts and white t-shirt and carried an extra yellow shirt. When I arrived at the place and tried to wear the yellow shirt I felt off and decided I should wear something more formal and decided to go back home and change. 

On my way, heavy rains fell and I was soaked. I find shelter in a store with a transparent wall (I think it was glass/window shield). Another friend of mind mine with her boyfriend riding a jeepney, passes me by and upon seeing me laughed hard. 

The rain stopped and I decided to just walk home since it is near. The "trisikad" driver tells told me to go to the other side of the road since they are not allowed to take passengers on where I was standing.

When I was about to sit on the "trisikad" I saw three (3) common pets yet are strange. 

The first I recognized was a very fat cat sleeping. The next thing I notice is the puppy which is playing on the seats, the puppy looks like a stuffed toy and not real. The strangest of them all is the singing cat that has a body of a bee. "Hey Ya" is the song it is repeating as I remembered. Another strange thing about the cat is that its body can be folded like an envelop. 

A man said that these pets are trained. Also they are being "lent" from somewhere and they teach them new tricks as to improve and add more to their skills.

I look up the sky, it was dark and full of brightly shining stars.

Heartful

Yes, it's obvious that I am not fond of the V day.
It's one of those days that I really hate, actually not hate -it's such a strong word, maybe just dislike.

Think of it, suddenly the world is Full of Love! Eeky. Wherever you turn you see hearts. Bread shaped like hearts, table mats cutouts of hearts, lovesongs over the air, I predict heart contact lenses this year.

Business is booming especially those that sells flowers- the other season where flowers are in demand comes 9 months after, All Saints/Souls Day. Hotels, motels, pension houses, cottages, parks, vacant lots are teeming with couples expressing their "love" for each other by exchanging bodily fluids. 

Everybody is such in a loving mode but not so much love that it's zero crime, only a Pacquiao match can do that, that you feel the world is on a better place even for just a day.

The only thing I like about V day is the romantic themed movies, studios local or international, are releasing. It's a guilt free pleasure to just watch those films and just forget your problems, be it a problem of the heart but seriously the head gets all the problems.

Anyways, Feb 14 has become embedded in our culture that it really is useless to rant against it -better why not enjoy it. And this year it would be spent with my 2 little angels.