Another Reset

It is building momentum
However I dismiss the idea
My gut feel is telling me
A reset is inevitable
The future is re-definable

So long I will say by then
To this place where I play pens
Where my skill in writing
To this blog Im posting

Goodbye is a good way to say hello
Till we meet again
Or never see one another
Our lifetime is but forever

"So long" our lips would say
Our eyes may tear
Crocodile I hope it's not
It hurts for us to part

And yes, people often part
But if they stay in our hearts
Will be forever become a piece
Even after we are laid in peace

I Forgot the Feeling

-- Warning: Don't read if you are uneasy on topics regarding sexuality --

Yes, I recently realized that I can now be a certified re-virginized. Yeah its a made up word for virginity is more of a hymen being ruptured, its the actual thing - the experience - of doing it, hymen rupturing or not (what?!), and for me I don't have one. But more than the sex act, let's talk about feelings.

Yes, I forgot the feeling of being with someone else. Why so? It's been a couple of years (officially 3 since my last official relationship) and with that time frame I actually did not seek for another relationship. I go on with my life, job, family, friends and tours. I can honestly say that it didn't bother me (as much) that I have no one. Then one by one my closest friends began to marry and have children (not necessarily in that particular order). And I realized that I'm at the end of my 20's! What?! a decade has passed me by so quickly (passed me by in the sense of love/relationship and not the other aspects of life - hopefully)!

Then I asked myself, for someone had asked me "Are you prepared to go old alone?" Actually I was dumbfounded by that question but the quick-witted me answered gleefully "Yes, maybe I will be a little sad but I will go into a home for the aged when time comes..." There is a half truth to it. Yes, I may be ok with it, but more than being ok with it in the future (when there is nothing I can do by then) is the present me who suddenly rang an alert bell in my head (or is it in my heart?). Are you really not going to try to find someone who you could "try" to be together with? Try practicing your rusty pumping moves before time will make it hard to get hard (porny but true).

I was quite struck for a while. I tried to remember my "best" relationship and why it did not work out. I tried to remember how it started. I tried to feel the feeling of being in a state of love.

And then I remembered.

The mushy texts and midnight calls. Passionate kisses and touch. The crazy things you do and your plans how to "score".  The trips you eagerly await for the both of you to be alone. The feeling of someone wanting you. The feeling of wanting someone so badly - you want them at your side all the time. You want to do things together -eat, church, play, (un)dress. Someone you can share your activity for the day(night), your hopes and your dreams, yourself.

That must have been love right?

Then there were the feelings of jealousy, trust issues, insecurities, too much of something it becomes unhealthy, nagging and the penultimate - indifference.

Then I remembered the reason why I avoided relationships after that great love - is that I was torn to pieces, I lost myself. I honestly did not know myself after that. I realized I isolated myself from my friends, I suddenly have lots of free time, I became a totally different person literally and figuratively. My values and perspective shifted and my heart wounded.

That is why I strayed away from being in a serious relationship.  Years passed.

Now, am I ready to take a chance once again? Only time can tell, but I can tell you my hormones are rising.

If My Life Is A Play

If my life is a play
What would it be?

Will it be a drama
Full of crying
Full of tragedies
Full of misery
A sea of tears?

Will it be an action
Full of fighting
Full of violence
Full of anger
A broken and bruised body?

Will it be a comedy
Full of laughter
Full of joy
Full of happiness
Smile that is ear to ear?

Maybe a little of those and some
I imagine my life
If it will be played
Is a sitcom

From innocence
To unexpected experiences
From a seed, becoming a tree
From a bulb to a blossom

A sitcom, where most of the time
Many persons come in
And leave
Each bringing something
To move my story forward
Some I love to remember and flash back
Some I loathe and skip forward

A sitcom, where you can laugh
At the same time cry
Be in a state of love
And in a state without
In a group
Alone
But each new episode is a story
However mundane and common
Must be shared and told

Doesn't really matter if the characters are common
Doesn't really matter if the stories are unoriginal
Even if there are plot holes
And character development is slow
Or the ending is predictable
Or the story "jumped the shark"
It still is my story I like to be told
In a series
As a sitcom
More or less 30 mins long

How Can I Start?

I started to move
Closer to where you are
To know me better 
To know you as well

I send signals,
To your direction
Don't refract it to someone else
Theyre intended for you alone

Yes, I move like a turtle
Slow
But Im not taking chances
Now

Thank you for responding
Even if you are just being friendly
And all this I just made up in my head
For its true, I have feelings for you

Model Employee Characteristics (translated to Bisaya)

hardworking - gahi patrabahu-on
time conscious - oras ray bantayan
customer service oriented - laing taw ang pirme bantayan
efficient - dali makakitag rason
effective - maayo mulusot
team player - ipasa sa uban ang trabaho
highly inquisitive - chismuso/chismusa
sense of responsibility - angkunon ang nindot nga trabaho sa uban
creative - maayo muhimo ug storya
resourceful - cgeg facebook ug internet
excellent skills in communication - tabi-an/saba-an
willing to work on shifts - sip2x
willing to work on overtime (with pay) - pankwartahay
willing to work on offertime (overtime without pay) - BUANG!
flexible - pirme lng galikay sa trabahu
records and reports progress - reklamador!
well-behaved/mannered - hingatug

Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow

This song is soulfully rendered.

	Amy Winehouse - Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

Tonight you're mine completely
You give your love so sweetly
Tonight the light of love is in your eyes
Will you love me tomorrow?

Is this a lasting treasure
Or just a moment's pleasure?
Can I believe the magic of your sighs?
Will you still love me tomorrow?

Tonight with words unspoken
And you say that I'm the only one, the only one, yeah
But will my heart be broken
When the night meets the morning star?

I'd like to know that your love
Is love I can be sure of
So tell me now, cause I won't ask again
Will you still love me tomorrow?
Will you still love me tomorrow?
Yeah

Treasure Hunting

Not the Yamashita
But of the source of everlasting
Not of El Dorado
But of the bread of life

Sunday's gospel reminds me
Of how we should seek his kingdom
Admission is free
But the choice is ours to decide

Am I ready to follow Christ?
Forgive - the true Christian way?
Love- that's equivalent as Jesus dying on that cross?
The short answer is silence.

With all the promise of happiness
Why do we stay in misery?
You may get wings, and sing praises to the Lord
But why do we choose to stay in this  polluted unheavenly place?

The answer is a deafening silence, much more deafening than the sound of silence itself.

Should I seek inside my heart
As they say the heart is where God's temple is
But all I found is emptiness
Maybe the Lord has left me
But maybe its me that choose
Not to look and find Him

Am I forever not going to find 
That infinite joy
That unending hymn
Happiness not based on earthly desires?
Truth that hurts noone
Boundless, eternal - will it ever be realized?

In God's time, He will show me, in His time.
Because I still believe.

Disconcerted

Recently, I noticed that I behave rather differently. Erratic is not an apt description, disturbed maybe. But why? I don't even know myself a 100%. Maybe it's a combination of what or where I am now. It is on times like this that I like to self reflect on what I am doing with my life.

Family.
Same as always, or as lately. My sister's marriage did not last, and I dont know the complete details. It went bad I guess. I don't know what she will do  or her plans are, but I wanted her to be responsible, take a job and start her life over again (it's not like it has ended), she just need a fresh look at things.
My other sister's "live-in relationship" is a sad story to watch. If I have powers like the XMEN, (give me Wolverine's adamantium claws) and I will gladly rip every single tissue of this useless bastard living in our house. Who in their right mind, if you have a sick child (baby) would you still go to a concert and be merry all night? Shit!
The problem with my family is that I can't talk to them without going WW3. I have my opinions, and sometimes I just let it out and it may seem to them that I am high and mighty and doesnt care (I really care, but in a hierarchy that they don't know). Now, even if I really wanted to go ballistic on things at home and cause a stir, I decide to just stay plump.

Work.
I can describe work as one word for the past 2 weeks or so. IDLE. Slowly it spells I-Dull. It feels demeaning when people around you are doing something, learning, creating and you are there, just there.

Friends.
One of my considered bestfriends is getting married this few weeks. She will be leaping to the "real" life. I'm happy for her, she deserves to be happy and I know she is smart enough to know where she is going and with whom.

Maybe I am on an upcoming crossroad of my life. Bring it on!

A Simple Case of "Bad" Genes

It's true, sometimes nature is not fair. As the song goes, some "people" (I know the original lyrics is a "guy" but I'm trying to be gender sensitive) have all the luck. If my memory serves me right, we have 23 chromosome pairs half of which we get from mom and the other half from dad. This means that we have a 50% chance of getting a trait from each of our parents.

My dad has a pretty nose for an asian. He is also big boned, tall, dark and in my honest opinion, considerably handsome as I can see from his younger years' photos. My mother on the other hand is tall, light in complexion, and is a pretty lady in her prime years.

But wait! I am not implying that Im a good looking son of a b*tch, because both my parents are relatively attractive. If we look closely, our parents too have 23 pairs of those chromosomes and only some of them are "expressed". So it might be that what we have from mom and dad are not the "expressed" traits, and we need a little digging the family tree to know where we get these traits.

And here it is the "where did I get these traits" list (Im still on the process of self discovery and this list is not at all complete and accurate).

Mom side:
The lean gene. As I can see my relatives from both sides, I can say that my mother side has the most "lean" bodies. I have cousins who are like me in that they dont get fat easily. Though through time (they are now on their late 20's/early 30s) they are starting to get those pounds, and I can only surmise that it will hit me too.

Intelligence. Ok, hold on to your seats! I'm not saying that I'm Einsten-like. Most literature I read says that intelligence comes from your maternal side. I observed and compared scholastic records of my relatives from both sides and yes I confirmed that my mother-side had all great education-success stories and some of them are now (im)migrats to other countries. Though my mother is only a highschool graduate and my father a college dropout - I would still choose them over than any parent of the world.

Receding hairline (and soon baldness). My mother is not bald (or balding), and I can remember that my grandfather was not also bald. My father is bald(ing), but why do I put this here? Aside from what I read that it is from your maternal side that this gene is passed, I confirmed from a recent family reunion that my mother side's far cousins/relatives have bald patches. That's the inconvenient truth for me and it is easier I think to just accept nature's design (good thing caps/bonnet are available whenever confidence is not a hundred percent).

Dad side:
Chinless/Nose/Face Contour. Yeah, my face is not balanced. I dont have a chin (or not prominent enough). My father has a chin, my grandfather too. My nose and face structure is not also similar to either my dad or mom. Nature decided to give me most of my lola's features than my dad's. Talk about pamana.

Common:
Heart disease, hypertension and diabetes. Both sides of the family have these and it is a strong motivation for me to try to be healthy (through avoiding unhealthy foods and alcohol) because I don't want to be hospitalized (who does?).

Mystery:
Gray Hair. None of my recent relatives both from my mother and father side expressed this trait.

A Night of "No Discrimination"

Yes, you read that right. "No Discrimination". The last time I checked, the meaning of "no discrimination" is that people are treated equally. That simple. No frills. An example quote to further illustrate the concept is "No man (or woman) is above the law". The law is the law, that's why lady justice is blindfolded because justice does not discriminate against gender, age, nationality, religion, etc...

And I just learned that company L (a famous printer company in the vicinity of Ayala Business Park) segregates the entrance between their company-hired employees, sub-contractual employees and OJTs. It is OK if the treatment to those entrances are the same but from what was described to me, non-company hired employees are frisked to death (ok not to death really), while those company-hired employees can easily just enter without any hassle. For me that is already DISCRIMINATION.

Disclaimer: I have not directly experience or observed the said behavior since I have not worked there or visited their facility. This has only been said to me through a late night chat with someone who used to work there. I don't intend to put malice on the said company, this is just my immediate and personal reaction when I learned about this.

Of Roads, Rocks, Thorns and Good Soil

The Parable of the Seeds is the gospel this Sunday. Thanks to Super Book/Flying House TV series, I still can remember the episode of this parable. Reflecting on the gospel, I ask what kind of soil am I in the parable?

Am I the road? In all humility, I think I'm not. I don't totally disregard the words of God. The seeds thrown on the roads were eaten by animals.

Am I the rocky soil? Jesus explained that the rocky soil are those people who accepted the word with much gusto but when trials and persecution came, withered. I'm guilty on this, I know the word of God, but sometimes when I have problems or insecurities, I asked God, why am I not made perfect like someone? Why do I have these problems?

Those seeds thrown on thorny soil choked at the thorns and the weeds after sometime. It is comparable to those who heard the word but then are enslaved by their earthly riches and thus did not bear fruit. I am not pointing fingers or accusing someone or some organizations, but in my opinion this may include those corporations/individuals who runs "charitable" institutions to escape tax duties, or any activity that seems good but has their hidden agenda.

And lastly, the seeds thrown in good soil, flourished and bears fruits. I need not explain what type of people the Lord means but these are the people we need to emulate. A movie about paying it forward is in a way shows how we can be a good soil that bears fruit and multiply.

Caught In The Rain

Heavy downpour! As minutes passes by, the road steadily becomes akin to a stream more suited for aquatic vehicles than terrestial ones. 

I just finished jogging and when I went out of the tracks, this rain just poured. Having no umbrella or raincoat I am forced to take refuge on this building where there's this delicious aroma of pizza stems. Talk about torture.

It makes me hungry, but I can't afford to buy one since I didn't bring cash and I should be back home because there is free food there. Today is when the twins celebrate their birthdays instead of the 28th. Food is being served there and is waiting for me. Delicious home cooked yummy entrees.

I think I can run from where I stand and sprint to the jeepney bay. I think I should do that now. 1,2,3...run!

The Green Transformers

Niadto kog Ayala gahapon to watch Transformers. Akong gitan-aw ang mga showing time sa electronic nila nga board. cinema one 7:30, cinema 2 7:05, Cinema 3: 7:45, Cinema 4 8:00. Na excite ko kay alas 7 naman d ay. So with confidence I said sa cashier "cinema 2, 1 down lng ms.".

Alas 7 naman so wala nako time to buy food nga dugay maluto, basta Ayala cinema ganahan ko mokaon ug steamed rice and siomai sa cinehan kay pwede ra. So I opted to buy french fries nga Giga-sized sa Potato factory (I think mao na name sa stall).

Ug nisulod nkos cinehan. Nag wonder ko, wala lagi taw? Naa ray mga at most 10 people sa ubos, nya mga at most 20 sa taas. Transformers must be a flop to Cebuanos. Usually basta Wednesday, daghan jud kaayo na taw magpunsisok for that first day screening, nag expect ko mga students, but mingaw man.

And then the cinema dimmed the lights, started its trailers. Mao ni di jud ko nahan ma late sa cinehan kay ganahan ko muwatch sa mga trailers :D

Ug sa dihang nagsugod na ang movie. WB man ang logo ni appear. Diba Paramount man na ang Transformers? Then DC comics. Waaahhhh, Green Lantern man di ay ni akong nasudlan! Grrr...

Green Lantern: 6/10. Boring ang pacing sa story oi. Though nindot ug effects but wala may noteworthy sa movie.

Critics2x nlang ko kay tan-gee-ehy man kaayo gud!

Korina Episode: Love

Valentines day is not due anytime soon, but the topic on Korina Sanchez's show is all about love. People of seemingly different stature, culture and even height fell in love. But this is not a review of the show, this is what I think about love.

I've seen love. I've felt love. I know love. It's just not about finding a partner, but the general feeling of being safe, being cared unconditionally by someone - obviously by our parents, family relatives, friends and that special The One (not Neo of the Matrix).

It comes automatic that our family loves us. Even with our ugliest characteristics they have come to learn to accept us for who we truly are - there is nothing to hide.

Along the course of our life's journey we meet other people and we make bonds with them. Friendships help us to widen our horizon and be in a social circle beyond of what our immediate family can provide.

But once in a while, we meet that special someone. I've met my special someone twice (maybe thrice???). The person that makes you want to live forever with. The person whose hands you want to forever hold. The person whose face you want to forever gaze upon. But forever is but a word - so far. 

Instead I end up counting persons instead of counting the years with a person. Worse, currently Im counting the years without any person at all! But the worst maybe is to count the years with someone whose with someone else.

Do I still believe in love? I still do.

The last statement of the show said: "there is a person that is just made right for you". How I wish I can google that someone or tag her in fb, or plainly give her the map in my direction so that the years of waiting will turn into years of counting.

Absolution

Naa man d ay koy pride. 

I always thought that I can keep my cool no matter what, save some insults that will hurt my family, if its just directed to me I'd say I will just let it pass and be not bothered by it. I've had my share of bullies, name-calling,  critics, ugly labels, mental-illness, etc. and its safe to say that I came out of it whole, albeit a little scarred but still functional. 

But I was wrong. Not in all cases. 

I have thought about it - no matter how I reject the idea, my mind cant be stopped. Many nights, I have been bothered. I've replayed it in my mind. Is it my fault? 

And I got the same recurring answer - NO. It is not! I have not faulted anyone. I have done many errors in my past, and one thing Im sure is that when I know I did something wrong, I feel guilty. I dont find myself guilty now, I just find the situation uncomfortable.

A case of self-righteousness? Maybe. I will not rule it out just yet. But I have this gut-feel that its not.

Then why this heavy feeling? Because for once again I did not believe in myself. I've asked forgiveness for something I am not at fault. And what I did hurt me. 

So now, after going to church and really once again reflecting on what has transpired, I absolve myself and move on, learn the lessons from this and hope that I will meet people that will not try to impair me, but help build me as a better person.

Indeed

As things go and go on
And life moves on
We carry forward memories

Written not in words
Not by letters of any sorts
But of wants, desires and soul

Things not money can bring
Family, friends and health
All I need indeed

Ultrasound

There's got to be a first time, and this is my first. Getting an ultrasound is synonymous with being pregnant, and obviously I am not! Im getting an ultrasound because of this stupid pain I feel below my left abdomen is not going away. It has been 5 days. 

I feel it pulsating, sometimes I dont feel it at all when Im distracted doing something. But there are times when it really gets my attention because of a sudden sharp like pointy object is poking inside me. 

Im currently waiting for my turn to have my insides scanned. In this room, there is I think a pregnant woman, an old man in a wheelchair. It has been I think more than 30 mins had pass since entering this room. To add, the attendant told me not to urinate from now on until I have my ultrasound. This room is cold, and Im praying my bladder will cooperate.

-- after my ultrasound --

Thank you Lord! I am relieved now. The pain is still here but Im thankful that its not kidney related, that scares me to hell!

A Different Kind of Ache

At this very moment Im in pain. And it reeks through the very fiber of my being. It instantly reminds me of my mortality and how each and every moment spent should not be wasted. That every moment counts and that each second is a gift. 

This is NOT the 1st time. I am sick, was sick, will be sick. But I don't want to be pitied upon. I dont want that! I want to be treated as people see me fit treated. There is nothing more honest and more satisfying for people to show their true feelings about you good or bad. 

When times like this comes, there is only one thing that crosses my mind. Have I served my purpose? I know, quite a heavy question to ask. Since I cant answer my own question directly, I broke it down to subquestions. What were the things you do that you think were the right things, and what things were not? 

Am I happy? Am I contented?

Sadly at this point of my life, the answers are mediocre if not a total fail. 

This saddens me more, and aches my soul. How can you treat a soul? It's not like you go to a specialist and they will give you medicine to heal it. Yes, I know people will tell, there is a God who loves you and will take care of you. No offense to those people, but I think God does not operate that way, just my opinion. 

Doing the right thing, and touching people's lives I find that more satisfying than listening to sermons only to go home and do the same habits! Dirty kind if habits! That kind of faith is pointless, for doing nothing when you could have done something is a grave offense. 

How I envy those who have food to eat but dont eat because they get fat. "Eating is not the problem. Your attitude towards it is the problem". I always murmur in my mind. How I dont get people who waste their lives through vices when there are so many alternatives for their time. How come there are people who chooses to end their own lives when someone is fighting for one more breath?

Yes life affects us in different ways but to blame it all to the environment, hormones, or other people your misfortunes is but cowardice on your part. You have a choice, and you have choosen which path to trail.

And I have chosen my way. That is to continue living as much and as longer and as meaningful as I could. I think I still have a long time to carry out this plan. 

But first is for me to just smell and taste the beach. It just takes all my worries even just for a moment. 

My Girlfriend's Best...

Im certain that my girl loves me
For feelings speaks louder
Than any words spoken on a megaphone
Hearts hear clearer, than the ears can ever decipher

But Im also certain that she loves another person
Not me, not even a member of her family
A friend I knew, and I knew well too
Her bestfriend, the sister she wished but never had

Destiny works in wonderful ways
May have hurt us in the process
But always surprises, never fails
Had I dreamt of this?
Not in a thousand years.

Because when I hug my girl
There she is, the once was
Knowing she'll be happy
For me and for her bestfriend


(fiction only)

The Tempest

Sometimes, I get highly psychotic - when things doesnt go my way, I'm depressed, angry (not my bird) and any other type of wry emotion. But no, Im not the serial-killer type, Im the wallowing pit of self pity and vengeance type. 

There are times that it gets the best of me. After years and years of practicing how to control emotion, it just spills out. Like a violent eruption from a sleeping volcano (the correct word is dormant), I just vent my anger or whatever grim feelings I have be known.

I often thought (more like others tell me) that I take life too seriously. I need to take a breathier, but I only know one thing that lets me instantly forget - the beach. 

Yes, wet and salty, especially when the sun is high and the sky is blue and the tide's not so high -perfect, my little piece of heaven on earth, save for ice cream and one censored thing :p. 

Afterall even supertyphoons and great earthquakes tone down given time, but the destruction on its wake takes more time repairing, and that same thing happens to people, when you let the tempest of emotion gets the better of you - I always have to relearn this lesson over and over again.

Im learning to be a better person, and I think to become one is to surround yourself with people who shares that same vision. The trick is how to know one. Any clues?