I Forgot the Feeling

-- Warning: Don't read if you are uneasy on topics regarding sexuality --

Yes, I recently realized that I can now be a certified re-virginized. Yeah its a made up word for virginity is more of a hymen being ruptured, its the actual thing - the experience - of doing it, hymen rupturing or not (what?!), and for me I don't have one. But more than the sex act, let's talk about feelings.

Yes, I forgot the feeling of being with someone else. Why so? It's been a couple of years (officially 3 since my last official relationship) and with that time frame I actually did not seek for another relationship. I go on with my life, job, family, friends and tours. I can honestly say that it didn't bother me (as much) that I have no one. Then one by one my closest friends began to marry and have children (not necessarily in that particular order). And I realized that I'm at the end of my 20's! What?! a decade has passed me by so quickly (passed me by in the sense of love/relationship and not the other aspects of life - hopefully)!

Then I asked myself, for someone had asked me "Are you prepared to go old alone?" Actually I was dumbfounded by that question but the quick-witted me answered gleefully "Yes, maybe I will be a little sad but I will go into a home for the aged when time comes..." There is a half truth to it. Yes, I may be ok with it, but more than being ok with it in the future (when there is nothing I can do by then) is the present me who suddenly rang an alert bell in my head (or is it in my heart?). Are you really not going to try to find someone who you could "try" to be together with? Try practicing your rusty pumping moves before time will make it hard to get hard (porny but true).

I was quite struck for a while. I tried to remember my "best" relationship and why it did not work out. I tried to remember how it started. I tried to feel the feeling of being in a state of love.

And then I remembered.

The mushy texts and midnight calls. Passionate kisses and touch. The crazy things you do and your plans how to "score".  The trips you eagerly await for the both of you to be alone. The feeling of someone wanting you. The feeling of wanting someone so badly - you want them at your side all the time. You want to do things together -eat, church, play, (un)dress. Someone you can share your activity for the day(night), your hopes and your dreams, yourself.

That must have been love right?

Then there were the feelings of jealousy, trust issues, insecurities, too much of something it becomes unhealthy, nagging and the penultimate - indifference.

Then I remembered the reason why I avoided relationships after that great love - is that I was torn to pieces, I lost myself. I honestly did not know myself after that. I realized I isolated myself from my friends, I suddenly have lots of free time, I became a totally different person literally and figuratively. My values and perspective shifted and my heart wounded.

That is why I strayed away from being in a serious relationship.  Years passed.

Now, am I ready to take a chance once again? Only time can tell, but I can tell you my hormones are rising.