That Sinulog 2014 Talk

The person I considered to be one of my bestest friend came back in Cebu this Sinulog. Sadly, this will be the last time we will see each other (maybe for a little while in Manila next month) for at least 3 yrs. She will be going to the US to pursue her studies in MS and maybe find a job there afterwards. I will surely miss her. Yes she lives in SG and we don't really talk that much or see each other that much but the US is that far.

We talked a lot, jumping from topic to topic. We only have a limited time to update ourselves with what is happening on both our lives. This is one person i can totally be myself without fear of being judged or not caring of.

One thing memorable from our talk is how time flies fast. She had nephews and nieces, cousins that are already teenagers (she remembers then as still kids) making "mano" to her. Then we talked about love.

She has been married for 2yrs now. And i asked her, how's married life? I got an answer which is not really shocking or new, but is something of a validity on how I viewed married life. It is not a fairy tale! Sadly, there are many roadblocks to those happy ending we so often see in movies. Love fades. The two "kilig" people are now familiar with each other that somehow diminishes that factor. What I remember is respecting the other person. There is also that "not quitting" when life is testing you.

And then "how about you?". I was asked.

Yes, I said it gets lonely sometimes now that we reached this age. Most of our friends are married, busy working, working abroad, have kids - that even though today is Sinulog, the liveliest Cebu can be in a year, where parties abound left and right, we opted to stay at starbucks to have this conversation. But it is the conversation I needed to realize things. A sort of introspection. What am I doing in my life?

I am stuck. Stuck in this phase of life. I am in my early 30s now but it is like Im still mid twenties.

I don't have a relationship that can somehow bloom into a forever tale someday. Not yet. Not ever?

And yes I got afraid. I felt that sting of being alone. Yes I got loads of friends. But every year these people get engaged, get married, go somewhere place, have kids, change priorities. And I'm still here.

What will I do now? How can I enrich my life more?

So at this point I got only a thing to do. Pray.

Please Lord, let me find my purpose again. Let me live again.

Regret

Not all affections are returned
This I learned from my journey
And it is all fair, it can be you
The sufferer or the suffering

I was thinking that somehow I exist
Cause there were moments when we almost kiss
Or was it just an illusion I made in my mind
Im just a fool to think you are mine

Somehow I wish that those times never ends
When we held hands, ahhh, those times are bliss
 I really felt you are close to being mine
Stupid am I to think it all these time

I cannot really move on because I never yet expressed
How I really love those times, frozen in my memories
Of you and me walking and holding each other hands
Not caring if we are labelled, we just kind of did

Im stuck in this moment of regret
Things have changed and I fret
Cause I cannot go back to that moment I wanted so
You have moved on and let go

The Year That Was: 2013 (Part 1)

Finally 2013 has ended! (as Im writing this it is still 9:14pm 12/31/12)

Calamities, that would be the negative word that is associated with 2013. The biblical flooding proportion of Habagat that submerged Metro Manila. The century-old shattering earthquake that rocked Visayas. The devastation that the strongest typhoon of the year - Haiyan (Yolanda) brought. Countless lives have been spent, countless more still striving to live normally after the catastrophe.

Along with these natural disasters are the man-made scandals that brought as much damage to our nation. The biggest would have to be the Pork Barrel scandal, where billions of the tax payer's money are laundered by these senators, congressman - filthy politicians. 

Let's now put the negatives for a moment and let me reminisce on what good transpired during 2013!

January.
Celebrated with family as per usual tradition. Watching fireworks and media noche afterwards.

Went to Manila Ocean Park with Cecil and Mae.

February.
Loveless, what's new. So Valentine's day was spent with officemates and former officemates who visited Manila.

My first ever rappelling over a waterfall (with Marianne).

 

My first ever solo trip of the year. I went to the balloon festival and saw these giant hot-air balloon spectacle! It is a really good sight to experience.

March.
My first ever at Moviestar cafe. It is  nice place for kids at heart like me :D Thank you Rosmarie for the invite. When you are at this stage in your life, moments like this with your former classmates gets rarer and rarer.

--- to be continued ---

The Number(s) Game

There is some trending activity on facebook right now. You give a number to a friend (secretly, through private message), then that friend will post something about you anonymously. You know that it's you they are referring because of the secret number that goes along with the post.

So I'd given my number to some friends (I will update this post if there will be more), and here's what they got to say.

From Bim (a friend through Amabelle):

Kani si mr #4, close ni sya sa akng amiga. Tga cebu pud ni sya pero di ko kadumdum kung nagsabay ta sa una sa mga laag, si Ms Spiderwoman ra man to akong madumduman na katagay namo sa una. Hahaha. 

Murag ang first natong pag-uban (hopefully naa pay sunod, hahaha) kay katng kauban si 1313. Hahahaha. Nibisita man to si amiga nga tga cebu. Btaw, i think nindot man ug choice si amiga sa iyang mga friends (kay friends man mi. Hahaha). So muapply pud na sa imo kay friends man mo.

Mao ni sya ang gitawag ug friends by association. Hahaha

From Rhea (a friend through Reymaline):

Kung magkuyog mo ani niya ky murag nag fiesta imong palibot. He's a very sweet friend abi gani nako sa ilang ka sweet sd sa ako fwnd ky sila ang magdayon. Peace! He's also a very talkative 1st pa gani ninyo kita ky gravee FC na but ma super like pod dayon nimo ky Naa mn dayon unod ang story. Smart sd Ni nako nga amigo... To my Ladies frnd ... HE is still SINGLE... But still available ba sir? Di jud mo magmahay niya. Another good attitude Nya ky loving, caring and approachable... Miss na our bonding.. Looking forward as bonding puhon...

From Yra (NCR officemate)

#4. Unfriend! Hahaha klaro na kaau. Lol mingaw nako nimo! Hahaha suppppeeeerrr tabian. Mabuang ko. Nig mag.outing mi tas ikaw ako tapad sa bus ky di ko katug ky magcge kag tabi. Hahahaha mishu friend! Mingaw nakos atong mga chikka. Dugay2 naxd ta wa nagkita ky others naman ka. Hahaha

From Vella (NCR officemates. Abi jud nkog close mi ani nya... LOL )

When I first met this guy, I don't like him immediately, which is my default emotion on meeting people. He talks loudly and incessantly and I could hear him talk within 50 meters apart. He doesn't whisper, oh no, he does not know how to do that. 
He knows that I hate this number game on facebook but still, he made me do it, he has that effect on people. He made me travel to places out of my comfort zone, he made me do my first zumba ever and other things I'm not proud of.
The one thing I hate about this guy? The body! Oh, the body. Every time I see him, it reminds me that life is not fair. He'll make VS models jealous. He's body is the epitome of sexiness, just on the wrong gender. It may look like he's suffering from an eating disorder but NO, he eats like each meal is his last. He'll swallow anything that is edible and not gain an ounce of fat. The injustice. People like him should be illegal and be imprisoned. Yes, AFFECTED KAAYO KO!
We both like sitcoms and movies and we go crazy on trivias.
He's a great uncle to his nephew and niece, not a very good brother and son - he admitted. hehehe!


Lol.

Plans for 2014

Here is my shortlist for 2014.

January -Since I bought a Lenovo laptop, I was given 3 tickets to a show in Resorts World showcasing Rico Blanco, Nina and Kyla. I am still thinking who I will invite since it is on a Thursday. Comes to worst I may just go alone.

I bought a groupon voucher for 10 sessions visit to Golds Gym. I have to try to stay fit and finally gain some muscle.

Then, I will be back in Cebu to celebrate Sinulog. I think it is more joyous than Christmas. I miss the beat, the crowd and the street dance. The outpouring devotion during the procession is just mind blowing. I need to get ready my camera.

February - 2 of my officemates planned a trip to Cebu. But at the current rate I highly doubt it will push through though. They are just not driven to plan and to agree on what we'll do, where we'll stay. No plans, and I highly think they will just bail out when the time comes.

So, that is why Im planning for an alternative trip on that days. If they do bail out, I will just go to Siquijor and enjoy. Just have to invite othe people that can go with me.

March - I will again, hopefully, health-willing run another Run United 21k.

April - I bought a ticket back home to celebrate the Holy Week. However, I plan to take the rest of the week off (starting Monday of that holy week holidays). To where? I don't know yet, but it has to be in Luzon area so that I can go back immediately.

May - I have this lingering feeling to try Singapore once again. I have to. I will prepare myself as to what to do next, I hope that this is the step to the right direction and not another step backward.

All these I pray to the Lord God that He may always guide me and lead me to the right path and give me wisdom to decide on what the right thing to do.

The Holidays

Ok, honestly this post is not just about the holidays. This post are what the holidays makes me think and feel.

First, the holidays. Vacation. Free time away from work.
No, that for me. I have already consumed my leaves earlier.
So there goes my Christmas with my family.

For the second year in a row, I celebrated Christmas with Cecil Tizon. She is kind enough to stay than to go with her housemate's province where she has been invited. I truly thank her for that. We had it simple, pre-Christmas dinner and watch movies until 12 midnight. I didn't even see some fireworks because I just stayed indoors and watch the movie. After which we exchanged gifts and slept.

Not for me though. I was online and chatting with this officemate that is in love with our other officemate. Being the talker that I am, I stayed all night chatting with him talking about what went wrong, what could've done and what he still can do. I really hope she gets the girl.

So that is pretty much what went during Christmas.

Secondly, I had a really bad case of depression. Three of my highschool friends got babies! Two of them are my closest friends until now. Why? Because suddenly it dawned to me that these people are moving on with their lives. They are changing phase. They are becoming parents. I want to become a parent! I want y own child. I want to see my own little version (or my partner's).

But Im in a no relationship state.

Which made me think, Am I that undesirable? Am I that disgusting?

Am I not lovable?

To which the answers I'm not willing to know.

This is me being honest. I am not happy right now. I am happy for my friends. I am happy for the children, this is their time of the year, opening gifts and presents. But me? Im not.

Two Weeks Ago

It's been 2 weeks. Maybe. I don't know.

I've never been near anything serious (relationship) for the past many years. All I have are friendships, platonic and nonsexual. Well, there are times that it gets past platonic, but it never gets to the we are "in-love" couple state. It is hard to fall in love these days.

I am not that person who longs for companionship so that I can have someone to share my hopes and dreams with (I can almost do that to anyone who would listen). I'm not even looking for someone who will give me my chance to multiply! I mean I disgust those who I hear saying "I'll have a child to care for me when I'm old", seriously? Yes I am afraid to grow old alone and maybe deserted when I can no longer fend for myself, but to spawn children for that selfish purpose is beyond evil.

To where, 2 weeks ago, this person that is not anything to me, or am I anything to her suddenly grew cold.

If it were anyone I couldn't even be bothered. But it's this person.

I'm overthinking and maybe assuming things but all Im asking is that if anyone wouldn't want to be friends or end the friendship, at least ne kind enough to let the other person know why. It is the least you can do after ripping their helpless hearts and minds out.

Be kind. You'll never know when some b*tch will do the same.

The Downward Spiral

Why would somebody say you are the wrong kind of person?
Who does that to someone you only know for a limited time?
Maybe a lot.
Maybe those people who think they're closer to God than everyone else.
I seriously am very suspicious of people who says "God, God" in their mouths
but is everything Godly in their thoughts.

I thought that you can be someone different, I was wrong.
You treat people like trash. No, not treat but label them like they're some kind of things.

I am really disappointed. This is what happens when you look highly to people. I never learned.

Am I Going to Start The (Losing) Fight of My Life?

Honestly, I am not decided yet.

Will I go with it and try it? I've done my research and know the consequences and the side-effects. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one with this kind of problem. But it is such a sad realization that I got this early. Im not ready! Maybe I will in the future as this is a losing battle, but not now!

When I turn 31, that's the start, I say to myself.

And that is just over 2 weeks from now.

It will be a life long commitment if started or lose what you gain or retained when stopped.

Please enlighten me.

Childhood Memories: Part 1 - The Child Gardener

Disclaimer: This is a fictionalized story of real events. There are people, places and historical references but they may not be and are not meant to be treated as hard facts. This is a work of fiction.

Early dawn. The smell of burnt leaves fill the air. The sun is already up an hour or so ago. There are a few people around, mostly children.

I love that place, I still can vividly see it in my mind. The sweet apple (atis) tree in front of my classroom, the guava tree at the back. The different flowering plants in the garden, which every classroom had. The smell of books and chalk.

Grade one. Our house was just at the back of the school so I was tasked as the key keeper. Im the one who opens the door of our classroom, and clean it (Im not alone though, there are other pupils too). After cleaning the inside, will continue to sweep the dried leaves of the plants outside, and burn them. I till the soil, then water the garden of flowers and herbal plants.

That was my routine when I was in elementary, at grade one until six I believe, I had more memories of playing outside than actually learning how to read and write. My teacher allows me great freedom because she just let me do things I want.

One time, she threw an eraser at me because I was so loud talking at the back.

Back then, even though I didn't know how to read, I know what plants are in the garden. I also have this knack of collecting spiders and black ants for fighting. I can even remember digging up worms for fun!

At an early age, I was already an early bird and up to now still is. But the gardener? I lost it somewhere sometime but who knows it will live again.

Part 2: The Lost Book

Part 3: The Hidden Pupil

Part 4: The Underweight

Part 5: The Lost Basket

Part 6: The Wax Museum

On This Day I Promise Forever

Been to many weddings.

In my aunt's wedding where when she entered the church there were bubbles floating as she passed and walked down the aisle. My officemate's wedding reception was in this nice restaurant atop a hill and there was a beautiful (and I bet expensive) fireworks show. My friends (lots of them) wedding gown made by some designer and costs a lot to make, the reception in a glitzy hotel and of course the wedding photographers to ink the moment for posterity. In short I've witnessed, first hand, spectacular and glamorous weddings.

At 4:30am we were already at the church, the sun has yet to shine.

The bride is in this white dress which by the looks of it is not fancy or glamorous. It's a simple white dress. She bought it from a flea market downtown. She has a very simple makeup (if loose powder and lipstick passes as such) with lipstick as blush-on. She only had a bouquet of flowers (more like a dozen roses formed like a ball). She did not came on a bridal car, but on a taxi. She did not came from a hotel but from her house. She has no bridesmaid or maid of honor. She has only herself.

The groom, well men are easier to dress, is on this barong that I could associate with what groomsmen wear at weddings (grooms wear tuxedo these days). He sat silently on the church pew waiting for the time. I dont know if he's nervous but I think he was. He has no groom's men or best man. He has only himself.

People came to the church praying the rosary (dawn rosary procession) and a novena followed. The church's lights are still off (except for those lighting the patron images) and the altar is only lit by candles. The ambiance of the whole church is not of what you imagine for a wedding, it is more akin to a holy week mass for fire and water.

The aisle is not decorated with flowers. There were no sign of wedding coordinators busying around. There were only people attending the novena on an off-lit church, the sun hasn't shine yet.

Then the novena ended. A beautiful song is being sung by a choir member - about love, love found for forever. Then the bride and the groom were called and told to walk towards the altar. No entourage, no time to photograph, it was all too quick and the lights are still off.

They were seated on two mono-block chairs. Nothing fancy. It isn't even covered by anything to at least make them comfortable.

There were not one but two couple being wed on this early day. Two couples who doesn't know each other.

One of them is my parents.

I can't help but feel pity on how barebones this wedding is. I've been to so many weddings and I cant help compare how this wedding of my parents is this basic. I can't help feeling guilty that I didn't lend a hand on planning this or coordinating this important day of their lives and maybe also mine.

I looked at the face of my father, it is way older than I remember. He forgot how to smile, except when my nephew and niece dances or do silly stuffs that he blurts into laughter. He is the groom that just sat silently and waited. He doesn't talk too much if at all.

My mother is getting older too, but she ages more slowly because she was an active athlete on her younger days. This whole wedding at the church is my mother's biggest wish. My parents were already married legally years ago before we were born, but the church thing is the one thing my mother believe should happen because she feels that God did not blessed their union.

My mother is the blushing bride (thanks to the lipstick blush on) which did not blend well with her skin tone. She is the bride to be that did all planning from the date to the reception and her dress. She thought that she's the only one who cried during her wedding. She was wrong.

I did cry. But I cried in silence. It is a mixed emotion of guilt, embarrassment, proud of mama kind of stuff.

The wedding ceremony ended, and I really felt my mother's happiness.
She deserves to be happy, everyone does.

Back to weddings, I just been reminded that marriage (the ceremony) does not need to be high profile costing near millions. All it needs is two people who promises to love one another 'til death do they part.

Balancing Act

Me? I believe in balance. I am a Libra in the horoscope which is the sign of balance. My good qualities as they say, and I believe them, is that I am fair or at the very least seek fairness. The bad thing is that I may fall unto mediocrity, never really excelling at anything.

I always thought that I shouldn't be so happy because maybe in the future I will be too sad. But over the years I learned that this is in a way true, but restricting yourself to be happy is but a big stupid thing to do. I learned that I don't and can't control everything that happens in my life. I learned that when you feel happy, then be happy as ever! Be happy at the present time and dont think of what will be the counter balance of sadness will come. Bad times will come as they surely do, and when that time comes - be sad. But I learned I should never compromise my happiness or limit it because it may bring the same magnitude of sadness in the future.

Work, life balance they say.

Alibi

I know this is coming. You are such a v*tch... And yeah that "list" of alibis which is now longer than what Schindler had in those days, but I digress.

That is a joke except that v*tch word.

But I understand Velle. No matter if you believe me or what not, I do understand the meaning of family and priority. As I commented on your status, Family does not need a priority (number) because they are way beyond priority.

So there, dont be such a late-tweenties-drama-queen :p But IF ever you made this alibis about family up, you better hide 'coz I will be there in your dreams haunting you!

Unsynch

It wasn't the usual lunch. First, nobody skyped to be at the pantry. But there was a message it was not read. Usually, lunch takes an hour, 15 minutes of the actual chowing down of food and another 45 minutes of talking, jokes, insults and laughtrips. This time, nothing was talked about and after eating, we went back to our stations.

Around 4, I announced who wants to take snacks. Nobody replied. So I went on my own and bought me some finger-lick'in good spaghetti. Just as I was about to return back to the office, I met one of my lunchmates/snackmates officemate. So I accompanied him to buy his snacks and I thought I might as well buy dinner for myself.

Around 5:30 I sent a message to another officemate to ask if he's going to have dinner at the office. He sad yes, and I told him to buy now since I will take my dinner at around 6pm. 6:30pm passed and he is still at his station, so I went to the pantry and ate my dinner. After eating, watched some trailers on my ipad, then I decided to go home.

As I was about to go down the stairs, I met my officemate who just got back buying his dinner. So I went back to the pantry and waited for him to finish dinner and logout together. We first withdraw some money from an ATM nearby then parted ways.

Just when, another officemate called me and wants to go to have some milktea.  Which I obliged since I also love milktea and I got nothing to do anyways. 

We went to the place which is near the train station. Took pictures of me, the place and the drink. Took pictures of her but she, in her opinion, looks big (bloated) and deletes all but one picture. Some talk and gadget demoes, it seemed like Im a salesman selling her stuffs. Of course the occasional gulp of that banana milktea with extra pearls is heaven.

The day ended, but that is one crazy random day!

The Lust of Summer

Nothing to write about.
There is no "lust" this summer.

The Last of May

Goodbye 5th month! It is like we just met yesterday but really its been 31 days already.

Many years back I love May! It is to say my most favorite of all the months. It is the summer month. Fiesta month. Holiday. No classes, no worries. Sunny in the mornings, rainy in the afternoons. Perfect for dancing and playing in the rain. That was years back.

Well, May is still like that, only that I don't enjoy it that much now. Work has no holidays. You can file a "leave" but that's basically it. One thing though is the company summer outing or team building which roughly always coincides in the month of May. That's the one day (or 2) that you can be crazy as a kid and play your hearts out.

The end of May signals the end of summer (though with climate change I really dont know when is when...). It rains almost everyday. It is increasingly becoming difficult to wake up early in the morning because of the cool breeze. My jogs are disrupted because of the rain.

With the end of May, also comes the almost end of the 1st half of the year.

It is on times like this I like to reflect, what have I done? What will I do? What needs to be done, etc,...

At this moment, the obvious answer is to get back to work!

Without You

Do you want me to let go
Leave the things between me and you
Forget the things that made us happy in the past

You now say it is over
You and I beyond repair
Leave this place that made us happy in the past

How can I live when you're gone
How can I breathe when you're the air that I breathe
I always thought that you and me means forever
How can I live
Without you

Even now you're gone
Im still hoping and Im praying
That you'll come back and re-live again our past

Will you realize
That Im the one you are destined
Others are trying what we have back in the past

How can I live when you're gone
How can I breathe when you're the air that I breathe
I always thought that you and me means forever
How can I live
Without you

Day and day Im imagining
You and me once again
You back here in my arms
And whispering my name

Did you hear my wish
Its a simple truthful wish
That you and me will be together again

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ufqbtwBSEis

Still Unknown

Chorus:

Love not meant to last forever
Throw it all away now
Hold on to something that is not true
And risk your only heart in thorns

It may be hard to find another
Worth your time and your love
But can you last when everything is wrong
Thrown away and yourself is doomed

Verse 1:

You found that the person you love
Is faking, not really in love
Just when you are ready to give
All the love and care they need

Repeat Chorus:

Verse 2:

Maybe it is hard to accept
You were fooled, lead to be believe
But then you dont  go running for them
They dont deserve your love at all

Repeat Chorus (slow)
Repeat 1st stanza of chorus only.

You'll find the one and it will be so soon
Dont chase the loser,  just be strong

You'll be happier, it will be very soon
Just wait for that someone still unknown

This is the melody: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UB6uQPV57V0

The Story So Far

Last year, August of 2012 I returned in Metro Manila (QC) after failing to look for a job in SG. It was a sad day for me. Sad because my SG dreams just crumbled. My dreams of Bali and some other "high-end" tours vanished. Most especially, I left my friends, who are working there already. I am back to where I was 4 years prior. It was like taking 2 steps backward.

Fast forward to 9 months to today May 2013 and Im glad that Im back at my feet. I don't have that heavy feeling of not being successful in SG. Though honestly, it still lingers on my mind - what if. On the bright side, the job I got in QC is decent and currently on the upswing. Most people there are young, fresh graduates from college with bright eyed enthusiasm to prove their worth. It is a dynamic place to work. I'm glad to meet new people, this time though the roles are inverted, I am their "older" bro. Im used to being the youngest in the group, now Im the oldest. Time really flies but Im not complaining, it is just the natural coarse of life.

Im so looking forward to what's still in store for 2013, it is just the first half of the year, so much more is still going to happen. Here's to the good times, let's make it the best of times!

Holding On

In my eyes the world is moving

At a pace that's not unnerving

Slow and steady

Life, wait Im not ready

Then as we move along

Months and years not so long

Im catching my breath

Time became a threat

For who could beat father time?

It's constant, doesn't stop

Doesn't slow down and not mine

All I can do is but whine

Tried to grip it

Hold it and keep it

But it slip like sands

Water in your hands

So all I have are memories

From the past activities

Can play it again and again

In my brain that is full of pain

In my heart I can feel happiness

Whenever someone gets near

Take away my loneliness

Time let me not be in fear