This feeling, I felt this before. More than once I remember. This uneasyness, this anxiety. This envy.
I wanted to see the world, I want to go to places, see them, experience them. Instead Im here surfing them, imagining what it would be like to be in Europe, to be in Australia, to be in South America.
I wanted to be a world class mobile developer, yet I dont even know how to code Android.
I wanted to be great, yet I feel mediocre.
It's depressing, not to be moving forward. Im stuck in here, in this phase, in this stage. Can anyone pull me out? Can anyone help me? Can anyone comfort me?
Maybe this feeling will pass, and once again I'll be numb, unfeeling, uncaring.
Good times be back, better times be near, great times be here.
I need to reinvent myself, teach myself to become better, love myself more, trust in the Lord that all these would make me the person He wants me to be. Please don't be weak, persevere. Self.
Sunday, July 12, 2015
Friday, July 10, 2015
Rainy Days
It has been raining nonstop this past few days. Seeing the satellite images you can see 3 typhoons are swirling across the Pacific pulling the monsoon "habagat" rains inland.
I dont hate rainy days, though it makes it hard to go outside because you can get wet from passing-by cars, it is a welcome break from this tropical humid weather of ours. I can sleep well at night and unfortunately during the day too. Take for example today, I called in sick because Im bed-bound.
The summer days are over and the flood ridden days are here.
Looking forward to next week's holiday (July 17th) and next month's vacation in Thailand to be wet free.
I dont hate rainy days, though it makes it hard to go outside because you can get wet from passing-by cars, it is a welcome break from this tropical humid weather of ours. I can sleep well at night and unfortunately during the day too. Take for example today, I called in sick because Im bed-bound.
The summer days are over and the flood ridden days are here.
Looking forward to next week's holiday (July 17th) and next month's vacation in Thailand to be wet free.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Aqua Training
It was still dark when I arrived at the Amoranto stadium because I thought the training would start on time. It was already 5:00 am but the swimming area was empty. I learned from the guards that there are only a few people already there.
After about an hour of waiting, the aqua training begun.
It was FUN! We were on the pool and performed these exercises that seems to be easy on land, but damn they were difficult to perform on the pool. Running across the pool makes you feel like running in a dream, or watching a slow motion movie. You just can run fast.
There were many exercises executed, but I was not feeling tired because we are under water and it is just refreshing.
After the training, we stayed a little while enjoying the pool and then head home.
I just slept the whole day.
After about an hour of waiting, the aqua training begun.
It was FUN! We were on the pool and performed these exercises that seems to be easy on land, but damn they were difficult to perform on the pool. Running across the pool makes you feel like running in a dream, or watching a slow motion movie. You just can run fast.
There were many exercises executed, but I was not feeling tired because we are under water and it is just refreshing.
After the training, we stayed a little while enjoying the pool and then head home.
I just slept the whole day.
Saturday, May 24, 2014
My Goodbye to a Good Mentor
Nothing in this world stays the same.
People leave for different reasons like finding a job somewhere else, getting married, escaping the old familiar with something new and exciting.
This is not new to me since I've said goodbye to friends countless times and I myself left my home to work hundred of kilometers away.
I've been lucky to call this former professor a friend now. Way back in college I remember her as this super strict teacher that came from the US. However, over the years I've come to learn so much from her because she took me in as her student assistant and I got to experience the corporate world under her watch.
Though Im not proud of it, sometime 3 years ago I just left her hanging on a project I pledged to finish. Those were one of my lowest and darkest hours in retrospect. I lost touch, because I was ashamed to communicate back.
I learned days ago that she will be returning back to the US for good. I just had to see her and say goodbye and for closure.
I will always and forever thank you Ms. Pauline Wade for the chance and for believing in me. Eternally grateful.
People leave for different reasons like finding a job somewhere else, getting married, escaping the old familiar with something new and exciting.
This is not new to me since I've said goodbye to friends countless times and I myself left my home to work hundred of kilometers away.
I've been lucky to call this former professor a friend now. Way back in college I remember her as this super strict teacher that came from the US. However, over the years I've come to learn so much from her because she took me in as her student assistant and I got to experience the corporate world under her watch.
Though Im not proud of it, sometime 3 years ago I just left her hanging on a project I pledged to finish. Those were one of my lowest and darkest hours in retrospect. I lost touch, because I was ashamed to communicate back.
I learned days ago that she will be returning back to the US for good. I just had to see her and say goodbye and for closure.
I will always and forever thank you Ms. Pauline Wade for the chance and for believing in me. Eternally grateful.
Another Talk
Today I got to see and chat, albeit briefly, with one of my dear friend since college.
It has been a long time since the last time we were together, her having moved to Singapore to work and got married.
I admire this lady very much because as I see it, she has transformed into the best version of herself. She has undergone a lot the previous years and came through it alive, better, stronger. It is as if she has metamorphosed into a new being.
Now she does what she loves and is not afraid to take on the world.
As we talked I got reminded to take on chances myself. To take risk. To be ready for disappointments but most importantly to standup when you fall, and rise and learn and move!
It will be quite a while for us to see each other again, but I thank her for inspiring me now to not give up. To take the challenge. To do what I love and passionate about. Most importantly, to move on.
It has been a long time since the last time we were together, her having moved to Singapore to work and got married.
I admire this lady very much because as I see it, she has transformed into the best version of herself. She has undergone a lot the previous years and came through it alive, better, stronger. It is as if she has metamorphosed into a new being.
Now she does what she loves and is not afraid to take on the world.
As we talked I got reminded to take on chances myself. To take risk. To be ready for disappointments but most importantly to standup when you fall, and rise and learn and move!
It will be quite a while for us to see each other again, but I thank her for inspiring me now to not give up. To take the challenge. To do what I love and passionate about. Most importantly, to move on.
Saturday, April 19, 2014
A Whole New World
Not the Disney's Aladdin song, head over to my new blog at phdwightseestheworld.wordpress.com for updates.
See you there!
See you there!
Wednesday, April 09, 2014
It Seemed Like Eternity
Yes, it has been a long time since I neglected this blog. I have not written in months! I promised that I would write an entry at least once a month, but I failed (insert sad emoticon). Not that I have nothing to share in the last couple of months. It was just that I was lazy. Lazy to write.
Anyhow, I am constantly updating my twitter and instagram and facebook status on where, who, what I am doing at any given day. Some are interesting, others are quite routine. But let me summarize:
1. Gym - I am actually going to the gym! Isn't it amazing? Hahah. Well we have this wager with my officemate back in December that I will have 6 packs by end of March. Thankfully, I got discount coupons for Gold's gym and so began my 2 to 3 times per week gym sessions. I actually like going to the gym, it gives me such good vibes everytime after working out.
2. Beach - I went to Cebu with two of my officemates - Sab and Ate Tin. We went to Bantayan island and really enjoyed the place. We beach bummed the first day, and went to Virgin island on the 2nd. I thank God that the weather was nice and that it went really well.
Finally! I got to see Nagsasa Cove in Zambales. I remember 5 or so years ago that I really want to go and see Anawangin. Thanks that our team decided to have our summer outing in Zambales. Truly, I was at awe when I saw the place. Sandy beach, picturesque views and serene nights with skies full of stars. A welcome break from the hectic days at the metro.
Summer is just beginning and I want to explore more places!
Anyhow, I am constantly updating my twitter and instagram and facebook status on where, who, what I am doing at any given day. Some are interesting, others are quite routine. But let me summarize:
1. Gym - I am actually going to the gym! Isn't it amazing? Hahah. Well we have this wager with my officemate back in December that I will have 6 packs by end of March. Thankfully, I got discount coupons for Gold's gym and so began my 2 to 3 times per week gym sessions. I actually like going to the gym, it gives me such good vibes everytime after working out.
2. Beach - I went to Cebu with two of my officemates - Sab and Ate Tin. We went to Bantayan island and really enjoyed the place. We beach bummed the first day, and went to Virgin island on the 2nd. I thank God that the weather was nice and that it went really well.
Finally! I got to see Nagsasa Cove in Zambales. I remember 5 or so years ago that I really want to go and see Anawangin. Thanks that our team decided to have our summer outing in Zambales. Truly, I was at awe when I saw the place. Sandy beach, picturesque views and serene nights with skies full of stars. A welcome break from the hectic days at the metro.
Summer is just beginning and I want to explore more places!
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
That Sinulog 2014 Talk
The person I considered to be one of my bestest friend came back in Cebu this Sinulog. Sadly, this will be the last time we will see each other (maybe for a little while in Manila next month) for at least 3 yrs. She will be going to the US to pursue her studies in MS and maybe find a job there afterwards. I will surely miss her. Yes she lives in SG and we don't really talk that much or see each other that much but the US is that far.
We talked a lot, jumping from topic to topic. We only have a limited time to update ourselves with what is happening on both our lives. This is one person i can totally be myself without fear of being judged or not caring of.
One thing memorable from our talk is how time flies fast. She had nephews and nieces, cousins that are already teenagers (she remembers then as still kids) making "mano" to her. Then we talked about love.
She has been married for 2yrs now. And i asked her, how's married life? I got an answer which is not really shocking or new, but is something of a validity on how I viewed married life. It is not a fairy tale! Sadly, there are many roadblocks to those happy ending we so often see in movies. Love fades. The two "kilig" people are now familiar with each other that somehow diminishes that factor. What I remember is respecting the other person. There is also that "not quitting" when life is testing you.
And then "how about you?". I was asked.
Yes, I said it gets lonely sometimes now that we reached this age. Most of our friends are married, busy working, working abroad, have kids - that even though today is Sinulog, the liveliest Cebu can be in a year, where parties abound left and right, we opted to stay at starbucks to have this conversation. But it is the conversation I needed to realize things. A sort of introspection. What am I doing in my life?
I am stuck. Stuck in this phase of life. I am in my early 30s now but it is like Im still mid twenties.
I don't have a relationship that can somehow bloom into a forever tale someday. Not yet. Not ever?
And yes I got afraid. I felt that sting of being alone. Yes I got loads of friends. But every year these people get engaged, get married, go somewhere place, have kids, change priorities. And I'm still here.
What will I do now? How can I enrich my life more?
So at this point I got only a thing to do. Pray.
Please Lord, let me find my purpose again. Let me live again.
We talked a lot, jumping from topic to topic. We only have a limited time to update ourselves with what is happening on both our lives. This is one person i can totally be myself without fear of being judged or not caring of.
One thing memorable from our talk is how time flies fast. She had nephews and nieces, cousins that are already teenagers (she remembers then as still kids) making "mano" to her. Then we talked about love.
She has been married for 2yrs now. And i asked her, how's married life? I got an answer which is not really shocking or new, but is something of a validity on how I viewed married life. It is not a fairy tale! Sadly, there are many roadblocks to those happy ending we so often see in movies. Love fades. The two "kilig" people are now familiar with each other that somehow diminishes that factor. What I remember is respecting the other person. There is also that "not quitting" when life is testing you.
And then "how about you?". I was asked.
Yes, I said it gets lonely sometimes now that we reached this age. Most of our friends are married, busy working, working abroad, have kids - that even though today is Sinulog, the liveliest Cebu can be in a year, where parties abound left and right, we opted to stay at starbucks to have this conversation. But it is the conversation I needed to realize things. A sort of introspection. What am I doing in my life?
I am stuck. Stuck in this phase of life. I am in my early 30s now but it is like Im still mid twenties.
I don't have a relationship that can somehow bloom into a forever tale someday. Not yet. Not ever?
And yes I got afraid. I felt that sting of being alone. Yes I got loads of friends. But every year these people get engaged, get married, go somewhere place, have kids, change priorities. And I'm still here.
What will I do now? How can I enrich my life more?
So at this point I got only a thing to do. Pray.
Please Lord, let me find my purpose again. Let me live again.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Regret
Not all affections are returned
This I learned from my journey
And it is all fair, it can be you
The sufferer or the suffering
I was thinking that somehow I exist
Cause there were moments when we almost kiss
Or was it just an illusion I made in my mind
Im just a fool to think you are mine
Somehow I wish that those times never ends
When we held hands, ahhh, those times are bliss
I really felt you are close to being mine
Stupid am I to think it all these time
I cannot really move on because I never yet expressed
How I really love those times, frozen in my memories
Of you and me walking and holding each other hands
Not caring if we are labelled, we just kind of did
Im stuck in this moment of regret
Things have changed and I fret
Cause I cannot go back to that moment I wanted so
You have moved on and let go
This I learned from my journey
And it is all fair, it can be you
The sufferer or the suffering
I was thinking that somehow I exist
Cause there were moments when we almost kiss
Or was it just an illusion I made in my mind
Im just a fool to think you are mine
Somehow I wish that those times never ends
When we held hands, ahhh, those times are bliss
I really felt you are close to being mine
Stupid am I to think it all these time
I cannot really move on because I never yet expressed
How I really love those times, frozen in my memories
Of you and me walking and holding each other hands
Not caring if we are labelled, we just kind of did
Im stuck in this moment of regret
Things have changed and I fret
Cause I cannot go back to that moment I wanted so
You have moved on and let go
Saturday, January 04, 2014
The Year That Was: 2013 (Part 1)
Finally 2013 has ended! (as Im writing this it is still 9:14pm 12/31/12)
Calamities, that would be the negative word that is associated with 2013. The biblical flooding proportion of Habagat that submerged Metro Manila. The century-old shattering earthquake that rocked Visayas. The devastation that the strongest typhoon of the year - Haiyan (Yolanda) brought. Countless lives have been spent, countless more still striving to live normally after the catastrophe.
Along with these natural disasters are the man-made scandals that brought as much damage to our nation. The biggest would have to be the Pork Barrel scandal, where billions of the tax payer's money are laundered by these senators, congressman - filthy politicians.
Let's now put the negatives for a moment and let me reminisce on what good transpired during 2013!
January.
Celebrated with family as per usual tradition. Watching fireworks and media noche afterwards.
Went to Manila Ocean Park with Cecil and Mae.
February.
Loveless, what's new. So Valentine's day was spent with officemates and former officemates who visited Manila.
My first ever rappelling over a waterfall (with Marianne).
My first ever solo trip of the year. I went to the balloon festival and saw these giant hot-air balloon spectacle! It is a really good sight to experience.
March.
My first ever at Moviestar cafe. It is nice place for kids at heart like me :D Thank you Rosmarie for the invite. When you are at this stage in your life, moments like this with your former classmates gets rarer and rarer.
--- to be continued ---
Calamities, that would be the negative word that is associated with 2013. The biblical flooding proportion of Habagat that submerged Metro Manila. The century-old shattering earthquake that rocked Visayas. The devastation that the strongest typhoon of the year - Haiyan (Yolanda) brought. Countless lives have been spent, countless more still striving to live normally after the catastrophe.
Along with these natural disasters are the man-made scandals that brought as much damage to our nation. The biggest would have to be the Pork Barrel scandal, where billions of the tax payer's money are laundered by these senators, congressman - filthy politicians.
Let's now put the negatives for a moment and let me reminisce on what good transpired during 2013!
January.
Celebrated with family as per usual tradition. Watching fireworks and media noche afterwards.
Went to Manila Ocean Park with Cecil and Mae.
February.
Loveless, what's new. So Valentine's day was spent with officemates and former officemates who visited Manila.
My first ever rappelling over a waterfall (with Marianne).
My first ever solo trip of the year. I went to the balloon festival and saw these giant hot-air balloon spectacle! It is a really good sight to experience.
March.
My first ever at Moviestar cafe. It is nice place for kids at heart like me :D Thank you Rosmarie for the invite. When you are at this stage in your life, moments like this with your former classmates gets rarer and rarer.
--- to be continued ---
The Number(s) Game
There is some trending activity on facebook right now. You give a number to a friend (secretly, through private message), then that friend will post something about you anonymously. You know that it's you they are referring because of the secret number that goes along with the post.
So I'd given my number to some friends (I will update this post if there will be more), and here's what they got to say.
From Bim (a friend through Amabelle):
From Rhea (a friend through Reymaline):
Kung magkuyog mo ani niya ky murag nag fiesta imong palibot. He's a very sweet friend abi gani nako sa ilang ka sweet sd sa ako fwnd ky sila ang magdayon. Peace! He's also a very talkative 1st pa gani ninyo kita ky gravee FC na but ma super like pod dayon nimo ky Naa mn dayon unod ang story. Smart sd Ni nako nga amigo... To my Ladies frnd ... HE is still SINGLE... But still available ba sir? Di jud mo magmahay niya. Another good attitude Nya ky loving, caring and approachable... Miss na our bonding.. Looking forward as bonding puhon...
From Yra (NCR officemate)
#4. Unfriend! Hahaha klaro na kaau. Lol mingaw nako nimo! Hahaha suppppeeeerrr tabian. Mabuang ko. Nig mag.outing mi tas ikaw ako tapad sa bus ky di ko katug ky magcge kag tabi. Hahahaha mishu friend! Mingaw nakos atong mga chikka. Dugay2 naxd ta wa nagkita ky others naman ka. Hahaha
From Vella (NCR officemates. Abi jud nkog close mi ani nya... LOL )
When I first met this guy, I don't like him immediately, which is my default emotion on meeting people. He talks loudly and incessantly and I could hear him talk within 50 meters apart. He doesn't whisper, oh no, he does not know how to do that.
He knows that I hate this number game on facebook but still, he made me do it, he has that effect on people. He made me travel to places out of my comfort zone, he made me do my first zumba ever and other things I'm not proud of.
The one thing I hate about this guy? The body! Oh, the body. Every time I see him, it reminds me that life is not fair. He'll make VS models jealous. He's body is the epitome of sexiness, just on the wrong gender. It may look like he's suffering from an eating disorder but NO, he eats like each meal is his last. He'll swallow anything that is edible and not gain an ounce of fat. The injustice. People like him should be illegal and be imprisoned. Yes, AFFECTED KAAYO KO!
We both like sitcoms and movies and we go crazy on trivias.
He's a great uncle to his nephew and niece, not a very good brother and son - he admitted. hehehe!
Lol.
So I'd given my number to some friends (I will update this post if there will be more), and here's what they got to say.
From Bim (a friend through Amabelle):
Kani si mr #4, close ni sya sa akng amiga. Tga cebu pud ni sya pero di ko kadumdum kung nagsabay ta sa una sa mga laag, si Ms Spiderwoman ra man to akong madumduman na katagay namo sa una. Hahaha.
Murag ang first natong pag-uban (hopefully naa pay sunod, hahaha) kay katng kauban si 1313. Hahahaha. Nibisita man to si amiga nga tga cebu. Btaw, i think nindot man ug choice si amiga sa iyang mga friends (kay friends man mi. Hahaha). So muapply pud na sa imo kay friends man mo.
Mao ni sya ang gitawag ug friends by association. Hahaha
From Rhea (a friend through Reymaline):
Kung magkuyog mo ani niya ky murag nag fiesta imong palibot. He's a very sweet friend abi gani nako sa ilang ka sweet sd sa ako fwnd ky sila ang magdayon. Peace! He's also a very talkative 1st pa gani ninyo kita ky gravee FC na but ma super like pod dayon nimo ky Naa mn dayon unod ang story. Smart sd Ni nako nga amigo... To my Ladies frnd ... HE is still SINGLE... But still available ba sir? Di jud mo magmahay niya. Another good attitude Nya ky loving, caring and approachable... Miss na our bonding.. Looking forward as bonding puhon...
From Yra (NCR officemate)
#4. Unfriend! Hahaha klaro na kaau. Lol mingaw nako nimo! Hahaha suppppeeeerrr tabian. Mabuang ko. Nig mag.outing mi tas ikaw ako tapad sa bus ky di ko katug ky magcge kag tabi. Hahahaha mishu friend! Mingaw nakos atong mga chikka. Dugay2 naxd ta wa nagkita ky others naman ka. Hahaha
From Vella (NCR officemates. Abi jud nkog close mi ani nya... LOL )
When I first met this guy, I don't like him immediately, which is my default emotion on meeting people. He talks loudly and incessantly and I could hear him talk within 50 meters apart. He doesn't whisper, oh no, he does not know how to do that.
He knows that I hate this number game on facebook but still, he made me do it, he has that effect on people. He made me travel to places out of my comfort zone, he made me do my first zumba ever and other things I'm not proud of.
The one thing I hate about this guy? The body! Oh, the body. Every time I see him, it reminds me that life is not fair. He'll make VS models jealous. He's body is the epitome of sexiness, just on the wrong gender. It may look like he's suffering from an eating disorder but NO, he eats like each meal is his last. He'll swallow anything that is edible and not gain an ounce of fat. The injustice. People like him should be illegal and be imprisoned. Yes, AFFECTED KAAYO KO!
We both like sitcoms and movies and we go crazy on trivias.
He's a great uncle to his nephew and niece, not a very good brother and son - he admitted. hehehe!
Lol.
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Plans for 2014
Here is my shortlist for 2014.
January -Since I bought a Lenovo laptop, I was given 3 tickets to a show in Resorts World showcasing Rico Blanco, Nina and Kyla. I am still thinking who I will invite since it is on a Thursday. Comes to worst I may just go alone.
I bought a groupon voucher for 10 sessions visit to Golds Gym. I have to try to stay fit and finally gain some muscle.
Then, I will be back in Cebu to celebrate Sinulog. I think it is more joyous than Christmas. I miss the beat, the crowd and the street dance. The outpouring devotion during the procession is just mind blowing. I need to get ready my camera.
February - 2 of my officemates planned a trip to Cebu. But at the current rate I highly doubt it will push through though. They are just not driven to plan and to agree on what we'll do, where we'll stay. No plans, and I highly think they will just bail out when the time comes.
So, that is why Im planning for an alternative trip on that days. If they do bail out, I will just go to Siquijor and enjoy. Just have to invite othe people that can go with me.
March - I will again, hopefully, health-willing run another Run United 21k.
April - I bought a ticket back home to celebrate the Holy Week. However, I plan to take the rest of the week off (starting Monday of that holy week holidays). To where? I don't know yet, but it has to be in Luzon area so that I can go back immediately.
May - I have this lingering feeling to try Singapore once again. I have to. I will prepare myself as to what to do next, I hope that this is the step to the right direction and not another step backward.
All these I pray to the Lord God that He may always guide me and lead me to the right path and give me wisdom to decide on what the right thing to do.
January -Since I bought a Lenovo laptop, I was given 3 tickets to a show in Resorts World showcasing Rico Blanco, Nina and Kyla. I am still thinking who I will invite since it is on a Thursday. Comes to worst I may just go alone.
I bought a groupon voucher for 10 sessions visit to Golds Gym. I have to try to stay fit and finally gain some muscle.
Then, I will be back in Cebu to celebrate Sinulog. I think it is more joyous than Christmas. I miss the beat, the crowd and the street dance. The outpouring devotion during the procession is just mind blowing. I need to get ready my camera.
February - 2 of my officemates planned a trip to Cebu. But at the current rate I highly doubt it will push through though. They are just not driven to plan and to agree on what we'll do, where we'll stay. No plans, and I highly think they will just bail out when the time comes.
So, that is why Im planning for an alternative trip on that days. If they do bail out, I will just go to Siquijor and enjoy. Just have to invite othe people that can go with me.
March - I will again, hopefully, health-willing run another Run United 21k.
April - I bought a ticket back home to celebrate the Holy Week. However, I plan to take the rest of the week off (starting Monday of that holy week holidays). To where? I don't know yet, but it has to be in Luzon area so that I can go back immediately.
May - I have this lingering feeling to try Singapore once again. I have to. I will prepare myself as to what to do next, I hope that this is the step to the right direction and not another step backward.
All these I pray to the Lord God that He may always guide me and lead me to the right path and give me wisdom to decide on what the right thing to do.
Friday, December 27, 2013
The Holidays
Ok, honestly this post is not just about the holidays. This post are what the holidays makes me think and feel.
First, the holidays. Vacation. Free time away from work.
No, that for me. I have already consumed my leaves earlier.
So there goes my Christmas with my family.
For the second year in a row, I celebrated Christmas with Cecil Tizon. She is kind enough to stay than to go with her housemate's province where she has been invited. I truly thank her for that. We had it simple, pre-Christmas dinner and watch movies until 12 midnight. I didn't even see some fireworks because I just stayed indoors and watch the movie. After which we exchanged gifts and slept.
Not for me though. I was online and chatting with this officemate that is in love with our other officemate. Being the talker that I am, I stayed all night chatting with him talking about what went wrong, what could've done and what he still can do. I really hope she gets the girl.
So that is pretty much what went during Christmas.
Secondly, I had a really bad case of depression. Three of my highschool friends got babies! Two of them are my closest friends until now. Why? Because suddenly it dawned to me that these people are moving on with their lives. They are changing phase. They are becoming parents. I want to become a parent! I want y own child. I want to see my own little version (or my partner's).
But Im in a no relationship state.
Which made me think, Am I that undesirable? Am I that disgusting?
Am I not lovable?
To which the answers I'm not willing to know.
This is me being honest. I am not happy right now. I am happy for my friends. I am happy for the children, this is their time of the year, opening gifts and presents. But me? Im not.
First, the holidays. Vacation. Free time away from work.
No, that for me. I have already consumed my leaves earlier.
So there goes my Christmas with my family.
For the second year in a row, I celebrated Christmas with Cecil Tizon. She is kind enough to stay than to go with her housemate's province where she has been invited. I truly thank her for that. We had it simple, pre-Christmas dinner and watch movies until 12 midnight. I didn't even see some fireworks because I just stayed indoors and watch the movie. After which we exchanged gifts and slept.
Not for me though. I was online and chatting with this officemate that is in love with our other officemate. Being the talker that I am, I stayed all night chatting with him talking about what went wrong, what could've done and what he still can do. I really hope she gets the girl.
So that is pretty much what went during Christmas.
Secondly, I had a really bad case of depression. Three of my highschool friends got babies! Two of them are my closest friends until now. Why? Because suddenly it dawned to me that these people are moving on with their lives. They are changing phase. They are becoming parents. I want to become a parent! I want y own child. I want to see my own little version (or my partner's).
But Im in a no relationship state.
Which made me think, Am I that undesirable? Am I that disgusting?
Am I not lovable?
To which the answers I'm not willing to know.
This is me being honest. I am not happy right now. I am happy for my friends. I am happy for the children, this is their time of the year, opening gifts and presents. But me? Im not.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Two Weeks Ago
It's been 2 weeks. Maybe. I don't know.
I've never been near anything serious (relationship) for the past many years. All I have are friendships, platonic and nonsexual. Well, there are times that it gets past platonic, but it never gets to the we are "in-love" couple state. It is hard to fall in love these days.
I am not that person who longs for companionship so that I can have someone to share my hopes and dreams with (I can almost do that to anyone who would listen). I'm not even looking for someone who will give me my chance to multiply! I mean I disgust those who I hear saying "I'll have a child to care for me when I'm old", seriously? Yes I am afraid to grow old alone and maybe deserted when I can no longer fend for myself, but to spawn children for that selfish purpose is beyond evil.
To where, 2 weeks ago, this person that is not anything to me, or am I anything to her suddenly grew cold.
If it were anyone I couldn't even be bothered. But it's this person.
I'm overthinking and maybe assuming things but all Im asking is that if anyone wouldn't want to be friends or end the friendship, at least ne kind enough to let the other person know why. It is the least you can do after ripping their helpless hearts and minds out.
Be kind. You'll never know when some b*tch will do the same.
Tuesday, October 08, 2013
The Downward Spiral
Why would somebody say you are the wrong kind of person?
Who does that to someone you only know for a limited time?
Maybe a lot.
Maybe those people who think they're closer to God than everyone else.
I seriously am very suspicious of people who says "God, God" in their mouths
but is everything Godly in their thoughts.
I thought that you can be someone different, I was wrong.
You treat people like trash. No, not treat but label them like they're some kind of things.
I am really disappointed. This is what happens when you look highly to people. I never learned.
Who does that to someone you only know for a limited time?
Maybe a lot.
Maybe those people who think they're closer to God than everyone else.
I seriously am very suspicious of people who says "God, God" in their mouths
but is everything Godly in their thoughts.
I thought that you can be someone different, I was wrong.
You treat people like trash. No, not treat but label them like they're some kind of things.
I am really disappointed. This is what happens when you look highly to people. I never learned.
Friday, October 04, 2013
Am I Going to Start The (Losing) Fight of My Life?
Honestly, I am not decided yet.
Will I go with it and try it? I've done my research and know the consequences and the side-effects. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one with this kind of problem. But it is such a sad realization that I got this early. Im not ready! Maybe I will in the future as this is a losing battle, but not now!
When I turn 31, that's the start, I say to myself.
And that is just over 2 weeks from now.
It will be a life long commitment if started or lose what you gain or retained when stopped.
Please enlighten me.
Will I go with it and try it? I've done my research and know the consequences and the side-effects. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one with this kind of problem. But it is such a sad realization that I got this early. Im not ready! Maybe I will in the future as this is a losing battle, but not now!
When I turn 31, that's the start, I say to myself.
And that is just over 2 weeks from now.
It will be a life long commitment if started or lose what you gain or retained when stopped.
Please enlighten me.
Wednesday, October 02, 2013
Childhood Memories: Part 1 - The Child Gardener
Disclaimer: This is a fictionalized story of real events.
There are people, places and historical references but they may not be and are
not meant to be treated as hard facts. This is a work of fiction.
Early dawn. The smell of burnt leaves fill the air. The
sun is already up an hour or so ago. There are a few people around, mostly
children.
I love that place, I still can vividly see it in my mind.
The sweet apple (atis) tree in front of my classroom, the guava tree at the
back. The different flowering plants in the garden, which every classroom had.
The smell of books and chalk.
Grade one. Our house was just at the back of the school so
I was tasked as the key keeper. Im the one who opens the door of our classroom,
and clean it (Im not alone though, there are other pupils too). After cleaning
the inside, will continue to sweep the dried leaves of the plants outside, and
burn them. I till the soil, then water the garden of flowers and herbal plants.
That was my routine when I was in elementary, at grade one
until six I believe, I had more memories of playing outside than actually
learning how to read and write. My teacher allows me great freedom because she
just let me do things I want.
One time, she threw an eraser at me because I was so loud
talking at the back.
Back then, even though I didn't know how to read, I know
what plants are in the garden. I also have this knack of collecting spiders and
black ants for fighting. I can even remember digging up worms for fun!
At an early age, I was already an early bird and up to
now still is. But the gardener? I lost it somewhere sometime but who knows it
will live again.
Part 2: The Lost Book
Part 3: The Hidden Pupil
Part 4: The Underweight
Part 5: The Lost Basket
Part 6: The Wax Museum
Monday, August 05, 2013
On This Day I Promise Forever
Been to many weddings.
In my aunt's wedding where when she entered the church there were bubbles floating as she passed and walked down the aisle. My officemate's wedding reception was in this nice restaurant atop a hill and there was a beautiful (and I bet expensive) fireworks show. My friends (lots of them) wedding gown made by some designer and costs a lot to make, the reception in a glitzy hotel and of course the wedding photographers to ink the moment for posterity. In short I've witnessed, first hand, spectacular and glamorous weddings.
At 4:30am we were already at the church, the sun has yet to shine.
The bride is in this white dress which by the looks of it is not fancy or glamorous. It's a simple white dress. She bought it from a flea market downtown. She has a very simple makeup (if loose powder and lipstick passes as such) with lipstick as blush-on. She only had a bouquet of flowers (more like a dozen roses formed like a ball). She did not came on a bridal car, but on a taxi. She did not came from a hotel but from her house. She has no bridesmaid or maid of honor. She has only herself.
The groom, well men are easier to dress, is on this barong that I could associate with what groomsmen wear at weddings (grooms wear tuxedo these days). He sat silently on the church pew waiting for the time. I dont know if he's nervous but I think he was. He has no groom's men or best man. He has only himself.
People came to the church praying the rosary (dawn rosary procession) and a novena followed. The church's lights are still off (except for those lighting the patron images) and the altar is only lit by candles. The ambiance of the whole church is not of what you imagine for a wedding, it is more akin to a holy week mass for fire and water.
The aisle is not decorated with flowers. There were no sign of wedding coordinators busying around. There were only people attending the novena on an off-lit church, the sun hasn't shine yet.
Then the novena ended. A beautiful song is being sung by a choir member - about love, love found for forever. Then the bride and the groom were called and told to walk towards the altar. No entourage, no time to photograph, it was all too quick and the lights are still off.
They were seated on two mono-block chairs. Nothing fancy. It isn't even covered by anything to at least make them comfortable.
There were not one but two couple being wed on this early day. Two couples who doesn't know each other.
One of them is my parents.
I can't help but feel pity on how barebones this wedding is. I've been to so many weddings and I cant help compare how this wedding of my parents is this basic. I can't help feeling guilty that I didn't lend a hand on planning this or coordinating this important day of their lives and maybe also mine.
I looked at the face of my father, it is way older than I remember. He forgot how to smile, except when my nephew and niece dances or do silly stuffs that he blurts into laughter. He is the groom that just sat silently and waited. He doesn't talk too much if at all.
My mother is getting older too, but she ages more slowly because she was an active athlete on her younger days. This whole wedding at the church is my mother's biggest wish. My parents were already married legally years ago before we were born, but the church thing is the one thing my mother believe should happen because she feels that God did not blessed their union.
My mother is the blushing bride (thanks to the lipstick blush on) which did not blend well with her skin tone. She is the bride to be that did all planning from the date to the reception and her dress. She thought that she's the only one who cried during her wedding. She was wrong.
I did cry. But I cried in silence. It is a mixed emotion of guilt, embarrassment, proud of mama kind of stuff.
The wedding ceremony ended, and I really felt my mother's happiness.
She deserves to be happy, everyone does.
Back to weddings, I just been reminded that marriage (the ceremony) does not need to be high profile costing near millions. All it needs is two people who promises to love one another 'til death do they part.
In my aunt's wedding where when she entered the church there were bubbles floating as she passed and walked down the aisle. My officemate's wedding reception was in this nice restaurant atop a hill and there was a beautiful (and I bet expensive) fireworks show. My friends (lots of them) wedding gown made by some designer and costs a lot to make, the reception in a glitzy hotel and of course the wedding photographers to ink the moment for posterity. In short I've witnessed, first hand, spectacular and glamorous weddings.
At 4:30am we were already at the church, the sun has yet to shine.
The bride is in this white dress which by the looks of it is not fancy or glamorous. It's a simple white dress. She bought it from a flea market downtown. She has a very simple makeup (if loose powder and lipstick passes as such) with lipstick as blush-on. She only had a bouquet of flowers (more like a dozen roses formed like a ball). She did not came on a bridal car, but on a taxi. She did not came from a hotel but from her house. She has no bridesmaid or maid of honor. She has only herself.
The groom, well men are easier to dress, is on this barong that I could associate with what groomsmen wear at weddings (grooms wear tuxedo these days). He sat silently on the church pew waiting for the time. I dont know if he's nervous but I think he was. He has no groom's men or best man. He has only himself.
People came to the church praying the rosary (dawn rosary procession) and a novena followed. The church's lights are still off (except for those lighting the patron images) and the altar is only lit by candles. The ambiance of the whole church is not of what you imagine for a wedding, it is more akin to a holy week mass for fire and water.
The aisle is not decorated with flowers. There were no sign of wedding coordinators busying around. There were only people attending the novena on an off-lit church, the sun hasn't shine yet.
Then the novena ended. A beautiful song is being sung by a choir member - about love, love found for forever. Then the bride and the groom were called and told to walk towards the altar. No entourage, no time to photograph, it was all too quick and the lights are still off.
They were seated on two mono-block chairs. Nothing fancy. It isn't even covered by anything to at least make them comfortable.
There were not one but two couple being wed on this early day. Two couples who doesn't know each other.
One of them is my parents.
I can't help but feel pity on how barebones this wedding is. I've been to so many weddings and I cant help compare how this wedding of my parents is this basic. I can't help feeling guilty that I didn't lend a hand on planning this or coordinating this important day of their lives and maybe also mine.
I looked at the face of my father, it is way older than I remember. He forgot how to smile, except when my nephew and niece dances or do silly stuffs that he blurts into laughter. He is the groom that just sat silently and waited. He doesn't talk too much if at all.
My mother is getting older too, but she ages more slowly because she was an active athlete on her younger days. This whole wedding at the church is my mother's biggest wish. My parents were already married legally years ago before we were born, but the church thing is the one thing my mother believe should happen because she feels that God did not blessed their union.
My mother is the blushing bride (thanks to the lipstick blush on) which did not blend well with her skin tone. She is the bride to be that did all planning from the date to the reception and her dress. She thought that she's the only one who cried during her wedding. She was wrong.
I did cry. But I cried in silence. It is a mixed emotion of guilt, embarrassment, proud of mama kind of stuff.
The wedding ceremony ended, and I really felt my mother's happiness.
She deserves to be happy, everyone does.
Back to weddings, I just been reminded that marriage (the ceremony) does not need to be high profile costing near millions. All it needs is two people who promises to love one another 'til death do they part.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Balancing Act
Me? I believe in balance. I am a Libra in the horoscope which is the sign of balance. My good qualities as they say, and I believe them, is that I am fair or at the very least seek fairness. The bad thing is that I may fall unto mediocrity, never really excelling at anything.
I always thought that I shouldn't be so happy because maybe in the future I will be too sad. But over the years I learned that this is in a way true, but restricting yourself to be happy is but a big stupid thing to do. I learned that I don't and can't control everything that happens in my life. I learned that when you feel happy, then be happy as ever! Be happy at the present time and dont think of what will be the counter balance of sadness will come. Bad times will come as they surely do, and when that time comes - be sad. But I learned I should never compromise my happiness or limit it because it may bring the same magnitude of sadness in the future.
Work, life balance they say.
I always thought that I shouldn't be so happy because maybe in the future I will be too sad. But over the years I learned that this is in a way true, but restricting yourself to be happy is but a big stupid thing to do. I learned that I don't and can't control everything that happens in my life. I learned that when you feel happy, then be happy as ever! Be happy at the present time and dont think of what will be the counter balance of sadness will come. Bad times will come as they surely do, and when that time comes - be sad. But I learned I should never compromise my happiness or limit it because it may bring the same magnitude of sadness in the future.
Work, life balance they say.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Alibi
I know this is coming. You are such a v*tch... And yeah that "list" of alibis which is now longer than what Schindler had in those days, but I digress.
That is a joke except that v*tch word.
But I understand Velle. No matter if you believe me or what not, I do understand the meaning of family and priority. As I commented on your status, Family does not need a priority (number) because they are way beyond priority.
So there, dont be such a late-tweenties-drama-queen :p But IF ever you made this alibis about family up, you better hide 'coz I will be there in your dreams haunting you!
That is a joke except that v*tch word.
But I understand Velle. No matter if you believe me or what not, I do understand the meaning of family and priority. As I commented on your status, Family does not need a priority (number) because they are way beyond priority.
So there, dont be such a late-tweenties-drama-queen :p But IF ever you made this alibis about family up, you better hide 'coz I will be there in your dreams haunting you!
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