Pasko sa Piniriso

Christmas! Honestly not felt it for sometime. Sadly, count this year as one of them. I can still remember the Christmases past where I would wish it to be everyday! The lights, the decorations, the food, the toys, the joy! The world back then was colorful and simple in my eyes.

I don't know when exactly I lost the feeling. I just realized one holiday that it was gone. The reason perhaps? Maybe I've grown up as most people do. Maybe I lost the feeling because the spirit of Christmas  which is to love and show love and share love I did not do, or limited myself in doing. Yes Im guilty of that being an unloving creature. I certainly am not in a state of love as most people recognize love is. I am not void of love though, Im just not full of it.

As I have known myself, I need to be around people that shares the positive vibes of Christmas. It might be a temporary fix but like a drug or alcohol do it makes my heart feels better if only for a limited time - at least I can feel Christmas.

What do I need? Who do I need? I can't answer because I'm confused as to what I really want in this life. It's not a crisis but a serious cancer that one day will eat my whole being if left untreated. Im racing with time as to my boundaries on this family, what can I do and what I shouldn't do. What is acceptable and what is not. What is being a brother and being truthful even if it hurts someone you love.

I hate dramatics at church lately. They oversimplified forgiveness. An example that Im sick of hearing is this story. A child was "molested" by someone close to him/her.  Years passed and that someone who molested a child got very sick. The molester had become naturally fragile and old. The molester asked for that child for forgiveness. The child forgave the molester. Can you see what's wrong in this story? I do! It's sickening and maybe this is what is in the minds of the "religious" that EVERYTHING can be forgiven. It doesnt really matter how small or big your sin was/were. At the end everyone is mandated to forgive because Jesus was sacrificed by God for our sins. It is a gross oversimplification that I think is the root of all these twisted logic about forgiveness.

I do not know what is the right timing to forgive but I know when is it that I have forgiven someone for something that they have done wrong against me. And it is a wonderful feeling, it really is like a thorn is plucked from your body, it hurts but time heals it and when you touch it again, it hurts no more.

So this is Christmas, how I wish I will be much happier this time of the year.